HONOLULU - The president of the United States Barack Obama has informed the media, the press, and the paparazzi that they can all rest now for he has finally found his birth certificate.
The president said that he had received an anonymous text message informing him exactly where he could find his birth certificate.
President Obama told his Chief Secret Service Agent Laramie Cobalt to get a shovel and go with him to the spot where he was told his birth certificate was buried.
The message stated that the birth certificate was buried in a wine bottle on the grounds of The Honolulu Zoo. The message went on to say that it was located underneath a coconaut tree that was just to the right of the Tasmanian devil cage.
Agent Cobalt took the shovel and began digging and after about seven minutes he hit the wine bottle. He took it, cleaned if off, with his official White House Secret Service handkerchief, and handed it to the president.
The president held it in his hands and Cobalt said that he saw a tear appear in each one of the president's eyes.
President Obama opened the bottle and took out the rolled up birth certificate. He read the top which said, Aloha General Hospital. And below it he saw the name of the baby...Barack Hussein Obama II.
The president jumped up in the air and shouted out, "Hot damn! Dat dare birth certificate is authentic, and as damn authentic as the wonderful smile on my face. And dat be's what I be talkin' about."
SIDENOTE: Before the president told the assembled press corps about the birth certificate, he made a special telephone call. The president called the East Coast and spoke to Lou Dobbs. "Hello Lou, it's me Barack...Barack Obama and guess what? I have found my birth certificate. That's right you overweight Pillsbury Doughboy looking pile of jackass droppings. I've got it in my hand as we speak. So I will expect you to draw up a double-spaced letter of apology and have it on my White House office desk within 24 hours."