Written by P.M. Wortham

Thursday, 7 January 2010

image for Artie Lange's Stab Wounds Mistakenly Reported
Da Bears, ouch. Da Bears, ouch.

Following reports of the Howard Stern sidekick being admitted to a New York Hospital with multiple stab wounds and a potential substance abuse issue, local newspapers had branded the incident a "suicide attempt", though Lange disputes those claims.

Still recovering from the injuries in hospital and admitting to have imbibed too heavily on "Jack" that evening, Lange claims that he and his friends were merely acting out favorite scenes from Saturday Night Live episodes.

Doctors were careful not to disclose any personal information, but suggested that there may have been more than just Lynchburg's Finest in Lange's system. "Let me put it this way. You could hit him with a truck and he wouldn't have felt a thing", said one surgeon who chose to remain nameless.

Friends claim that when it was Lange's turn to pick a SNL scene, he began doing Chris Farley's bit known as "Da Bears". Part way into Lange's speech about "beerss and sausagess" consumption, he feigned a heart attack and began pounding himself in the chest to open a clogged artery. "It was a perfect take on the old Farley performance, until we noticed that Artie still had a cheese knife in his hand. He pounded out several holes in himself but never felt a thing", said one party attendee.

Lange was rushed to hospital soon after and is recovering today in stable and holy condition.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Howard Stern

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