ORLANDO - Eldrick Tont Woods decided to call up the president and ask him if he could go over to the White House and participate in a "Beer Summit" one-on-one, mano-a-mano, vis-a-vis.
The president laughed and said "Hell no!"
Woods asked him why not. And the president replied "Why not? Fella do you not read the newspapers. Do you not watch the television news?
Right now you are about the most hated person not only in America but in the entire civilized world. You have just surpassed such hated American individuals as Charles Manson, Bernard Madoff, Michael Vick, The Dixie Chicks, Glenn Beck, Kobe Bryant, and Madonna."
President Obama went on to tell Tiger that even North Korea's Kim Jong Il called him up and asked him what the hell was going on with that skinny little black boy Trickster Woods.
Obama said that he replied, "Well Kimmy, first of all his name is not Trickster, it's Tiger, and he is not a skinny little black boy, he is a skinny little half African-American boy, much in the same way that I am a skinny little half African-American boy. Now do you get where I'm comin' from rice krispie?"
King Jong Il replied, "Apples, oranges, pomegranates, what the hell is the difference bro?"
"Don't piss me off Kimmy."
"By Mr. Barry and tell Kobe that Kimmy said hello."
In other news. There are as yet unconfirmed reports that a gigantic meteor has hit New Guinea. As soon as reporters can get through the horrendous fires we will provide more information.