Billionaire businessman Donald Trump, today decided to lay it on the line why his hair is such an appalling mess.
Trump, whose surname is the same word a 10 year old British kid would use for the word 'fart' finally decided to come clean after all these years.
The owner of Trump Tower, the Trump International Hostel, and the Trump Turrets complex told us:
"Okay guys. It's high time I fessed up. The thing is that some of this hair isn't really mine. If I could have a surgeon put things right I'd do it. But the thing is that I have a medical condition known as Scalpulus Contrarium which makes my hair grow in several different directions at once.
"It used to really get me down, but then I read an article on theSpoof.com by some guy named Duncan Whitehead, about a guy named Tatty Mullet. That article was my hope and my inspiration."
Donald Trump then left the building, a little like the late Elvis Presley was wont to do in his heyday in Vegas. Except Elvis had better hair.
Shit, Elton John's got better hair. (Before you consider a lawsuit Elton, please bear in mind that this article is probably the biggest compliment you'll ever get as far as your hair's concerned.)
More follically effed up stuff as we get it.