X-Factor's Jedward Kicks Arse!

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Sunday, 15 November 2009

image for X-Factor's Jedward Kicks Arse!
The pineapple on the far left is the one that "Pineapple Punk" purchased and wore on X-Factor.

LONDON - The Irish twin lads John and Edward Grimes showed the U.K. viewers of X-Factor that they are certainly a singing force to be reckoned with.

Jedward literally brought the house down with their rendition of Vanilla Ice's 90s hit "Ice Baby."

Cheryl Cole said that she liked their performance but confessed that at times it was hard to watch because of the lights that were reflecting off of their Elton John Designer Metallic Suits.

Edward said that they had actually been a gift from Cheryl Cole's footballer husband Ashley. Cheryl blushed and admitted that her husband had also bought the high-haired twins each a pair of Elton John Designer Underwear as well.

Louis Walsh asked Simon if that was legal. Simon said that as long as the suits and the knickers weren't stolen he saw no problem with that.

Walsh asked the twins if he could see the receipt. John told Louis that they did not have a receipt as the suits and underwear had been a gift and respectfully asked if Mr. Walsh had been paying attention to Miss Cole's previous remark.

Just then Cheryl reached in her purse and produced a receipt that showed that the items in question had been purchased at the famed department store The Sir Sirloin Shoppe-on-the-Thames in Pimlico.

Cheryl remarked that her husband had also purchased her low cut black mini-dress at the same shoppe. Simon asked her to stand up and turn around which she did. Dannii told Simon to put his tongue back in his mouth before it starts to gather dust.

Louis said that he did not want to say much but he was rather enjoying the involuntary rumblings that he was feeling in the crotch region of his britches.

Cheryl remarked that he was a nasty man. Dannii and Simon agreed. Louis smiled and said that yes he was a nasty man, but also he was a very rich nasty man.

Simon laughed and agreed that he was indeed rich but that he was no where near as rich as he was.

Cowell then said that the Irish boys had really shown that they have come to win, high-hair and all.

Dannii said that she did not care for Jedward's song choice. She said that she never had liked Vanilla Baby's song "Ice Ice."

Louis corrected her by saying that the song was "Ice Baby" by Vanilla Ice. She turned to him and said that he was still nasty.

Louis then told Danni that he did not like her floor length American Civil War Ball buckskin colored ridiculously long flowing gown.

She told him to stop being a horse's arse. He told her that he promised to stop being a horse's arse if she would promise to stop borrowing dresses from the Queen Mother, her royal highness Queen Elizabeth II.

Dannii became enraged. She spit in Walsh's face. Louis grabbed her arm and started twisting it. Simon instantly stepped in and told them both to stop their blimey bickering and quit acting like a bunch of American Republicans.

Cheryl asked Simon if American Republicans acted that way. He smiled and said that they didn't but he did not want to say American Democrats because he is getting fairly chummy-chummy with President Obama and he does not want to do anything to hurt the budding relationship.

In a related story. "Pineapple Punk" the Irish lad who ran up on stage dressed as a Dole Pineapple during Jedward's performance has been identified as Clancy Cullen Dooley-Finnegan. The lad who hails from Dublin was arrested by London police and Dooley-Finnegan is in the process of being flown to Texas where he will soon find himself sitting on "Sparky."*

*The dreaded electric chair.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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