X-Factor: The Show Must Go On But Without Jamie Archer

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 16 November 2009

image for X-Factor: The Show Must Go On But Without Jamie Archer
Cheryl Cole shown shaving her legs as she is getting ready to head out for her appearance on X-Factor.

LONDON - As they say in show business, 'the show must go on.' And that also happens to be the song that Jamie Archer chose to sing in his 'sing off' with Lloyd Daniels.

Simon Cowell cast his vote for Jamie. He said that Jamie not only was the best singer, but he was also the taller of the two by far.

Cowell also said that he liked Mr. Archer because he knew the last names of all four of the Beatles, whereas Lloyd only knew Paul McCartney's last name.

Cheryl Cole, who was dressed in a gold and cream colored minidress that she apparently borrowed from Amy Winehouse said that she was voting to send Lloyd home and keep Jamie.

She said that Lloyd sounded like he may have had a sore throat, a stomach ache, or a bad case of dandruff.

Louis Walsh rambled on about the weather and how bad it was and the high price of crumpets. He told the host Dermot O'Leary that if the food prices keep rising, he is planning on moving to Wales.

Walsh voted to keep Lloyd. He said that he likes Lloyd because he has that Clay Aikenesque type quality that he could not quite put his finger on.

Cheryl asked, "Gay?"

And Louis replied that gay had nothing to do with it and that it was all about proper song choice.

Dannii Minogue who appears to have shown up wearing her grandmother's night gown went on and on and on about Queen Elizabeth's extensive hat collection. Dannii voted to keep Lloyd and send Jamie home.

Simon asked her why in the world she would choose to wear an outfit that looks like something that an old Navaho squaw had thrown out of her wigwam for being so hideously ugly.

Minogue shot Simon the finger and told him that he needs to mind his own blooming business. She also told him that his pants zipper has been unzipped since the start of the show.

Simon looked down, blushed, and zipped his zipper. Danni asked him if the little bloke was okay. Simon nodded in the affirmative and turned away in utter embarrassment.

O'Leary informed everyone that the vote had been deadlocked and of course the lights on the huge signs started blinking on and off and the people started screaming and Dannii turned to Louis and asked what the heck an old Navaho squaw is.

Louis shrugged his shoulders and replied that he thought it was a prostitute from the Island of Nava.

Danni just smiled. She called out to Simon. And when he turned around to look at her she shot him her finger again.

Simon just shrugged his shoulders. He raised his hand up and uttered the Indian greeting, "How."

"How what?" Danni asked.

And Simon told her how utterly stupid she looked in her Grandmama's night gown.

And then the Colombian firecracker Shakira came out and performed a number called "Did It Again, I Almost Knocked My Sweet Hips Out Of Joint."

Shakira has the fastest hips in the world, and they have been clocked at 118 miles per hour. She wore a black outfit that clearly showed that she was not wearing a bra or knickers for that matter.

Afterwards Simon asked her if she had, had a Brazilian Wax Job. Shakira turned red and replied that he knows very well she had because she had shown him when he went into her dressing room to visit just before the show.

And then Queen came out and performed their big hit "Bohemian Rhapsody." The two original band members guitarist Brian May and drummer Roger Taylor were asked by O'Leary if they didn't mind saying how old they were.

Both band members looked at each other quite surprised. And then Brian pointed to Roger and said, "The chap is 87." And then Roger pointed to Brian and said, "And the bloke is 89."

Shakira who was standing off stage turned to one of the stage hands and told him that she was 22 (Shakiritita as her grandmother Concha Loncha Pocovino calls her is actually 32).

It finally came time to announce which of the two contestants had received the less viewer votes and would be going home.

O'Leary opened the envelope. He announced that the singer who would shortly be heading out the door, the contestant who would soon be hitting the road, the one who, as they say in Baseball is 'outta here' is...Jamie Archer.

After the show Cheryl and Dannii both drove to Amy Winehouse's house and returned the dress each had borrowed from her.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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