Mackenzie Phillips to Oprah: "The 'Kama Sutra' is just not a very good bedtime storybook at all."

Funny story written by Robert W. Armijo

Thursday, 24 September 2009


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image for Mackenzie Phillips to Oprah: "The 'Kama Sutra' is just not a very good bedtime storybook at all."
Did Mackenzie Phillips really have sex with her father or is it the drugs talking or both? Stay tuned.

Chicago, Illinois - "Despite what you may hear from me here today about my relationship with my dad," said sober Mackenzie Phillips, offering up dating advice to the young women in the Oprah Show audience after her spine tingling, jaw dropping, mouth watering confession of her incestuous relationship with her rock star father of the "Mamas and the Papas", John Phillips.

"I just want you to know that even back then, as a young girl, I thought sex, drugs and Rock 'n Roll with him wasn't as cool as I first thought," continued Mackenzie Phillps. "No, it was way cooler. But it was wrong. It's still wrong, right?"

Later, the amoral Mackenzie Phillips admitted she could have done other more constructive things, more wholesome things with her father, other than having sex with him.

"I realize now there were way better things to do with my dad than just doing my dad," said Mackenzie Phillips to a stoned faced Oprah regarding her self-admitted, misguided and misspent youth. "There was mooning together, streaking together and my favorite, playing naked 'Twister' together. I just never knew what position I'd find myself in with my stoner dad in that game, but somehow he'd always manage to come out on top."

Mackenzie Phillips also said to Oprah that she does not what people to hate her dad just because he had sex with her.

"After all he was very nice about it," explained Mackenzie Phillips, pausing a moment to wipe a tear from under her eye. "He didn't have to kidnap me, keep me out in the backyard locked up in shed and make me pregnant or anything like that. He insisted on using protection."

Concerned with his daughter's wellbeing, John Phillips placed her on the pill.

Mackenzie Phillips also openly admitted to Oprah her illegal drug use at the time of the affair with her father.

"I was pretty high at the time we first did it," said Mackenzie Phillips. "The second time, too...come to think of it I was pretty much high all the time. Whether or not we were doing it."

"Wait," said Oprah as the camera did a tight shot of her face. "I just had a horrible thought. What if you just imagined you had sex with your dad during many of your psychedelic drug trips? And you exploited it just to sell your book? Nah. That couldn't happen twice on my show. Right people! Or else someone would get fired! I'm sorry Mackenzie continue."

Mackenzie Phillips then went on to describe to Oprah the tender side of her father and, um, lover.

"He was sure to send me a dozen roses the day after we first did it and after since, which was on rare occasion, mind you," said Mackenzie Phillips to a now skeptical audience. "And he hasn't stopped since. Whenever we did it, I got a dozen roses. No matter if they were out of season, all year long. You know, I just realized something; I've always had a dozen roses at my bedside. Isn't that funny."

"It wasn't so bad," rambled on Mackenzie Phillips as members of the audience stood up and began stretching and yawning during the description of what it was like for Phillips to wake up in the morning finding herself in the warm naked embrace of her father's arms. "I mean he always knew my name and called me when he said he would."

"That was until Alzheimer's disease started setting in," interjected Oprah sensing the studio audience's boredom as they began asking the ushers if they could leave early. "You did mention discovering your father illness one night. Right?"

"Ah, yeah. Sure," said Mackenzie Phillips as she was moved to tears once more as if on cue describing living with her father's ever-progressing metal illness. "I remember, late one night, crawling into bed with him. And while I was making love to him, he suddenly woke up and said to me: 'Who are you woman?! You're not my daughter! Get off me!' Tell me Oprah, do you have any idea how painful it is to hear those words coming out of the mouth of your own father?"

"No. Nope. Nada. Zippo. Zilch. Goose egg. Absolute zero. I'm happy to report I do not," responded a usually empathic Oprah. "But then again I never [Bleeped] his brains out like you did to your dad either. But hey now, that's just the way I roll. I'm just saying. Girlfriend."

Oprah then moved on confirming that John Phillips was an avid reader of the "Kama Sutra" [an ancient Hindu text dating back to the 2nd century B.C. depicting various positions and techniques to enhance sexual pleasure, complete with explicit illustrations] and gave Mackenzie Phillips several lesser-known rarely published or circulated alternate versions of it for her to read while she was growing up.

"I understand your father read to you passages form the 'Kama Sutra' as bedtime stories to you when you were a kid," said a surprisingly calm looking Oprah.

"That's right. That he did. That he did," replied an even calmer looking, poker faced Mackenzie Phillips, nodding her head in agreement as well. "In fact, he gave me the coloring book version of the 'Kama Sutra -- Kama for the Hindu goddess of love and Sutra for thread or text."

Oprah asked Mackenzie Phillips if she found the "Kama Sutra" somewhat of a White Elephant [a precious but burdensome gift] to accept from her father, especially as a child.

"I found it somewhat challenging," Mackenzie Phillips said defensively crossing her arms and legs. "It was hard for me to keep inside the lines at first. But that was only because of the peculiar positions the people were posed in."

Later as Mackenzie Phillips blossomed into womanhood her father gave her "Bam! Cooking With The Kama Sutra". Still the young Mackenzie Phillips did not get the hint.

"So when I went away to community college," said Mackenzie Phillips. "He gave me a copy of 'The Kama Sutra for Dummies."

Shortly thereafter, even though she was looking at the world through a drug induced purple haze, Mackenzie Phillips knew exactly what her father was asking of her.

"But I still wasn't high enough yet to act on the pressure of his passive aggressive sexual advances," said Mackenzie Phillips. "At least that was what the psych teacher I was sleeping with at the time told me."

Oprah then got very serious and asked Mackenzie Phillips a personal question.

"May I ask you a personal question," asked Oprah, reaching out to touch Phillips' knee. "Have you ever felt you were being exploited? I'm not just talking about the past, but now? Right now?"

Mackenzie Phillips attempted to answer Oprah's question when she was interrupted.

"Yes, I -- " answered Phillips before she was cut off by Oprah.

"-- Like someone is trying to intimidate you?" asked Oprah still touching Phillips' knee. Not letting it go.

Again, Mackenzie Phillips motioned to answer Oprah when she interrupted her once more.

"Yes, but -- " is as far as Phillips got before she was interrupted by Oprah yet again.

"-- Tell me the truth, Mackenzie. Did he force you to have sex with him?" said Oprah now standing up with her hands on Phillips' shoulders.

This time Mackenzie Phillips did not bother to answer. She just looked out at the audience. Not sure as to what she should do next.

Many in the studio audience that began reaching for their purses and coats, preparing to leave suddenly stopped.

"I guess what I'm really asking you" said Oprah with her hands now covering Mackenzie Phillips' mouth, physically preventing her from answering the question as the audience sat back down in their seats, stowing their stuff away underneath. "Oh, look at that. We're all out of time. I guess we'll have to have you back again on sweeps week. Bye now."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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