Yalta, Ukraine - "We're taking it back home where the first Caucasians ran freely on the beach," said Roger Meyers, a location scout for the new Baywatch movie. "Where Babushkas, then in their prime, wore little more than head scarves and no body begged them to put their clothes back on, or averted their eyes, as they went skinny dipping in the Black Sea."
Baywatch has joined up with the History Channel in helping to locate the most remote village as possible on the Black Sea in attempt to trace the fist footsteps of white people on the beach.
"The History Channel assures me that the sea costal fishing village that we are about to visit hasn't had contact with the West since the end of the Crimean War," said Meyers, as he disembarked his water taxi, a local fisherman he hired.
In order to soak up the local color, Meyers has spent weeks sponsoring a Babushka Baywatch Bikini Babe Beauty contest that he has arrived today to judge.
"It's an easy way to checkout any local talent that we can spotlight in the movie, giving it a feeling of authenticity dating back to the seventh century, " said Meyers, as he announced his arrival to the villagers by bullhorn. "Of course, the rules of the contest have been modified to reflect the regional traditions and customs."
According to village tradition, each female contestant will be required to eat her own body weight in sturgeon.
"Apparently sturgeon goes over very big here," said Meyers. "I guess we can rework that during postproduction. Replacing the sturgeons with a hot dog eating contest in slow motion."
Also, according to local custom, a chaperone must accompany a young woman of the village at all times or she will be stoned to death
Hand in hand with their grandmothers, the young women of the village paraded up and down the wooden pier, converted into a catwalk, wearing their homemade bikinis made of wool, goatskins and some fibrous material fashioned out of fish bone and hooks.
From their fishing vassals, the old men and children of the village look on and applaud, as Meyers attempts to row away in his small boat. Only to be quickly captured and forced to watch the entire competition, which included a talent portion and a question and answer session concerning the contestant's personal views on same-sex marriage.
"By the looks of things," said Meyers as he battled motion sickness. "We may have to recast the entire village using extras. Just like we did in Malibu."