1970s TV "Kung Fu" Master's Autoerotic Asphyxiation documentary Not a 1980s Style Snuff Film, say Bangkok Police

Funny story written by Robert W. Armijo

Saturday, 13 June 2009

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Carradine's autoerotic asphyxiation documentary coming to PBS as a Ken Burns production: "American Mom: War on Mastu

Bangkok, Thailand - Bangkok police have just confirmed that they recovered a digital camera containing footage of the last moments of David Carradine's life days after his death. The camera was discovered and turned into police by a hotel maid who found it hidden away in a secret compartment in the closet where the lifeless body was found.

Police have already examined the video (and many others like it), confirming it contains the images of Mr. Carradine.

The digital images recently recovered allegedly shows Mr. Carradine sitting in his hotel room dressed in a bathrobe alone ordering on the phone a lavish dinner for one prepared by the Bangkok upscale five star hotel's culinary chefs and delivered to his room by the room service staff.

After generously tipping the hotel staff member, Mr. Carradine can be seen dining by himself on a seven-course meal compete with chilled champagne and a red rose on the table.

"If you didn't know any better," said Bangkok police. "You'd say that he was having a romantic dinner date with himself."

Police also observed the attention to detail, and the high production value of the video, concluding that Mr. Carradine was making more than a mere home movie, but a documentary film of sorts. Chronicling his lifetime fixation with autoerotic asphyxiation.

Bangkok police have since found a receipt for a storage locker in Los Angeles, California containing boxes and boxes filled with similar videos in various mediums spanning decades, further confirming their documentary theory.

"He stared off with a handheld camera, the kind that had to be cranked. Then he made the transition into BETA, VHS and finally to digital over the years," said a detective from the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), cooperating with the Bangkok police investigation.

Of the footage found at the storage locker examined by the LAPD, so far it appears that Mr. Carradine would practice autoerotic asphyxiation at unsuspecting locations and surprising times. Even during public and private gatherings, documenting historical events taking place in the background all along the way.

For instance, in addition to the Hollywood award ceremonies and kids birthday parties going on in the background (while Mr. Carradine was busy tying and hanging himself up in the basement or closet), in one of his films, Walter Cronkite's live broadcast of the Apollo 11 landing on the moon in black and white can be seen playing on a TV set in the background through a crack in the closet door.

"Others of Ronald Reagan's famous speech at the Berlin Wall, CNN's live war correspondence coverage of the Bombing of Baghdad during Dessert Storm and yet another of the 2000 Presidential Election ballot count in Florida," said Bangkok police. "Did you know that Al Gore actually won?"

Bangkok police say the historical events that Mr. Carradine inadvertently captured in the background while he was autoerotic asphyxiating himself will be not only be useful in establishing a timeline and cause of his death, but more importantly, provide historians with a rare insight into historical events as they actually happened. Possibly rewriting history, as we know it.

"It's too bad he didn't start his autoerotic asphyxiation documentary earlier," said Bangkok police. "He could have identified the shooter in the grassy knoll, solving the JFK assassination."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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