Schwarzenegger's 'Special Election II: Numerator Salvation' a Ballot-Box Office Dud

Funny story written by The San Francisco Onion

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

image for Schwarzenegger's 'Special Election II: Numerator Salvation' a Ballot-Box Office Dud
"The people of Cauliflower-nia have spoken," said Governor Schwarzenegger on the disappointing election results.

HOLLYWOOD, CA - "The people of Cauliflower-nia have spoken," said Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger. "Let's just say tourin' out for 'Special Election II' vwahs... not so vantastic." In fact, turnout was dismal, drawing only a tiny portion of the state's political audience.

Special Election II: Numerator Salvation, sequel to 2005's equally unsuccessful Special Election: The Denominator Chronicles, relies on a hackneyed, formulaic story line borrowing heavily from typical myths and conservative conventions, many of them long-since explored in Republican classics of the same genre starring the great Ronald Reagan.

The story begins when a conservative actor of mediocre talent is philosophically frozen in time, later becoming Governor of California. The "hilarity" ensues when it is discovered that, unlike his predecessor, the Governator is no "great communicator." Like his predecessor, however, he is "an analog politician confronting an increasingly digital world."

As such, Schwarzenegger uproariously tries a number of conservative techniques to shift numbers on paper, giving the appearance of helping to balance the state's budget while actually blundering through budget cuts to important social programs and increasing deficit spending over time. By so adding to California's current budget crisis, 'Special Election II' shamelessly leaves the plot open-ended, setting up a clear opportunity for yet another horrible sequel.

"Where are the subtitles?" said one voter who turned out to see the production. "It's like the script was written in some kind of mangled Austro-American or something. I didn't even understand the basic premise."

Some have called 'Special Election II' "predictable," and another voter says he "left in the middle" of the production. "I just walked out of the voting booth halfway through it," he explained. "It was like, I totally saw it coming, you know. I was just like, 'What a waste of time. I could be burning through a spliff right now!"

Melvin Wedgie, a friend who has the annoying habit of pointing out flaws in a movie's story line when you're just trying to enjoy it, for Christ's sake, says that the whole premise of "numerator salvation" is a mathematical impossibility, anyway. "You can't just start borrowing numbers from the other side of the equation to increase the numerator if the denominator gets too large," he pointed out as he fidgeted with his pocket protector. "You have to account for those numbers properly, according to the rules of standard mathematics, or you're going to get the wrong answer to your math problem."

Considering the hype leading up to its release, most people only seem able to agree 'Special Election II' was no blockbuster, by any standard. Though it was by far the most expensive special election sequel ever made, reportedly increasing the California deficit from 15 billion to 21.3 billion, it is highly unlikely those expenses will ever be recouped as a result of the special election results being released.

Apparently, the biggest hit with California voters was Schwarzenegger's off-screen feud with the producers of 'Special Election II,' who seem to have had little creative input, yet demanded higher salaries at every step in its production. This particular scene has many believing Schwarzenegger is a shoe-in for an Oscar nod.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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