New York, NY - Winona Ryder has announced in an exclusive interview with Jail Birds magazine that she will rob a Walmart store (the daddy company of Asda) next month in her home city in Long Island.
Ryder was convicted in 2005 for robbing a clothes shop in downtown Manhattan and stealing $3,000 worth of clothes. Ryder escaped prosecution when she claimed at the trial that she was a kleptomaniac, someone who compulsively steals. It is widely thought that the only reason Ryder's conviction was quashed is because six of the male jurors got "kleptomania" mixed up with "Nymphomania" - an addiction to sex. They were seen lurking around the exit to the court house with banners reading: "I freed you". One juror even included his mobile phone number on the banner. Another was wearing Lynx deodorant.
It is now four years later and Ryder has taken a long, much needed break from stealing. She was even hired for a cameo in a Steven Spielberg movie but was fired before filming began when producers found that all their pens and stationery had gone missing. Three of the missing pens were found in Ryder during a cavity search.
But Ryder claims she is now ready to get back in the saddle and is planning "the greatest comeback ever". She and three unknown accomplices will enter the Walmark store with an entire roll of garbage bags and attempt to steal as much as they can fit in the bags - before they are wrestled to the ground by security guards. Ryder is hoping to outdo her $3,000 haul at the clothes shop, but is a little worried: the average price of an item in Walmark is just $2.99.
She is currently on a strict diet and exercise regime to ensure she is fit enough for the mother of all shoplifting sprees. She has also been talking to local garbage men about how to correctly lift up a garbage bag full of heavy items without causing strain to her back.
Ryder will not reveal the date of the intended spree saying she wants to surprise everyone, but it is expected to be sometime next month and during a Saturday rush hour.
Johnny Depp is glad they broke up.
