An entire nation woke groggily yesterday with the nagging guilty feeling that traditionally accompanies ill-judged over-indulgence.
After sternly promising to be sensible, Great Britain lost it from around 5pm on Friday and proceeded to degenerate into a whooping, xenophobic imbecile golf fan until late on Sunday night, when order was restored and everyone switched over to Match of the Day.
"Whoah, what did I drink on Friday night?" one bewildered citizen groaned, clutching his head. "One minute I'm looking forward to a couple of quiet beers after work, and the next thing I know I'm watching men in absurd outfits smack little white balls with big sticks and shrieking things like 'You the MAN, Sergio!'"
"I don't even know who Sergio is."
Experts were at a loss to explain why normally rational non-golf aficionados suddenly felt compelled to triple their alcohol consumption, spend hours in front of the TV on the sunniest weekend in months, and develop encyclopaedic knowledge of Jim Furyk's driving accuracy.
Tiny moments of clarity punctuated an otherwise catatonic spell of wall-to-wall drivel on sofas across the country. "I can't believe they've left Harrington until the last match," Jane Brown from Tunbridge Wells said indignantly on Sunday afternoon. "Surely they need a double Open winner up at the top to negate the threat of Anthony Kim and Phil Mickleson - If I was Faldo I'd ... Oh my God! Am I saying this out loud?"
Other viewers reported suffering hallucinogenic episodes during the three day bender, including the harrowing image of a redneck hick from the deep South riding a golf club down the fairway like a hobby-horse, and a narcissistic Harrison Ford look-alike gibbering on about how picking Ian Poulter was an absolute stroke of genius.
Prime Minister Gordon Brown moved swiftly to reassure an anxious nation. "Let me be clear," he said from the Labour Party conference in Manchester. "There will be no government retribution towards anyone who reneged on their life-long indifference to golf by painting the Swedish flag on their face and declaring their undying love for Robert Karlsson. The private shame and social rejection will be punishment enough."
Britain is now poised to go cold turkey on sporting bandwagon-jumping - at least until May of next year when all the talk will be of googlies and Brett Lee's new hairdo.
