English singer Amy Winehouse is due to play at Nelson Mandela's 90th birthday party, it was announced today.
Miss Winehouse, famous for impersonating 60s soul singers in a totally unoriginal way, will sing one song, the only one people can remember her bringing out, and them will get legless under the table on champagne and crack cocaine.
The news was greeted with sporadic riots across South Africa's cities, and eighteen Nigerians were killed with rubber necklaces, and forty-one were shot dead in random massacres.
The singer said: 'Hey, I want to remind people of the good that Nelson and those ANC blokes have done for South Africa.' And dodging a passing bullet, she added: 'If my probation officer lets me leave Britain, that is. Still, who'd notice one more criminal there, the country is run by them.'
Miss Winehouse is no stranger to controversy, being in the news almost as much as the equally untalented Kylie Minogue, but at least the Australian singer is smart enough not to go to a party full of terrorists and gangsters.
Gerry Adams had this to say about the visit: 'The Provisional IRA and the ANC were and are freedom fighters, and only blew up supermarkets and pubs in the name of freedom and justice.'
Robert Mugabe has also asked the English singer to his birthday party, but there's unlikely to be enough people left alive in Zimbabwe to hold one.