The Man with the Golden Bus Pass

Written by Tardy Y Gough

Monday, 5 May 2008

image for The Man with the Golden Bus Pass
From Saga with Bob Martins

Shock entertainment news today it has been revealed that Danial Craig is to step down from the role as James Bond stating artistic differences for the split,he is said to have felt it important that the character shows more of his feminine side which has angered producers.

Following on from these revelation there has been the usual media frenzy to find out who will be the next man to fill the famous role and the word in the snug of the Ferret & Trouser Press is that there is set to be a surprise and that it is in fact no other than veteran actor Bernard Cribbins who will take his turn to be "Licensed to Kill".

In response to these claims we sent our entertainment and farming equipment correspondent Archie Diggins for a rare interview with the notoriously volatile Mr Cribbins.

ARCHIE "your choice for the role is obviously going to raise a few eyebrows how to you intent to approach the role and what are you thoughts on the torque produced by the Massey Ferguson 590 verses the Ford 8210 series?"

Bernard "I have a few ideas as to what I can bring to the role I have always done my own stunts even in The Railway Children a role which required some very vigorous waving and pushing of trolleys and the Massey Ferguson would out do the Ford every time.

Archie " The role has always been played as a ladies man how do you feel about this and what's your opinion on the distribution power of the Vicon fertilizer spinner?"

BERNARD "I've always been a bit of a ladies man yes,when I met my wife was working on the pick and mix counter at woolworths and no just anybody can pull a girl in that position I can tell you and what the Vicon looses in distribution it more than makes up for in volume I believe.

Archie "The role has always called for some very quick driving of flash cars are you prepared for this and what is your opinion on the new variable cutterbar for the Claas 550 Montana combine harvester?"

Bernard "I've always been a bit of an animal behind the wheel I'm afraid, only the other day while driving down the middle lane of the M4 in the Yaris the wife had to have a right serious word with me, as I was over sixty miles an hour and although the new cutterbar is a definite improvement the chaffing problems are still there with the Claas 550."

Archie "And finally before we go has a title been decided for your first excursion as Bond and have you a view on the clearance problems dogging the Rabework 300 rotary harrow?"

Bernard "There are a few titles in the offing I believe "Golden Cataract" "Octogenarian" "The Spy Who gets up Fifteen time a night" "Dr Proctologist" and "The Man with the Golden Bus Pass" and if they were to move the front cutting disc's forward six inches on the Rabework MKE 300 I believe all the clearance problems would be solved."

Archie Diggins will appearing at the Shepton Mallett show ground Mondays Thursdays and Fridays with a special guest appearance on the Wednesday of the Bath and West show,Bernard Cribbens is still available for pantomime this year.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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