FCC Sues Sony; Seeks "Hellboy" Name Change

Funny story written by dalepetrie

Friday, 2 April 2004

Hollywood, CA

FCC Chairman Michael Powell announced today that it was blocking today's release of the Sony Pictures film "Hellboy", pending outcome of a lawsuit filed in Federal Court today, whereby the FCC is requesting that the film's title be changed to the more family friendly "Heckboy".

"Effective immediately," Powell said in a televised press conference, "we have presented Sony Pictures with an injunction drafted by a judge friend of my daddy's last night at 3 am when everyone was asleep, barring Sony from releasing ‘Hellboy' in theaters as planned today, or from any further advertising of this film under the name ‘Hellboy' via any medium. All television and radio commercials must be pulled, all print advertisements must be retracted, all references to ‘Hellboy' on Sony Pictures' website must be removed, and all billboards must be disassembled by the end of the day to be in compliance with this injunction, pending the outcome of the lawsuit we have filed today.

"The suit seeks to require Sony Pictures to change the name of ‘Hellboy' to ‘Heckboy' in compliance with newly adopted FCC decency standards. We at the FCC feel that the word ‘Hell' is prurient and foul, and one to which our nation's children should not be exposed. I am currently working with my daddy and his buddies on the Supreme Court and in Congress to draft legislation requiring stricter standards for titling films. These standards, for which we have the fully committed support of President Bush, will ensure that no films are advertised with dirty words in their titles. It will also seek to retroactively change the names of many films which would have been affected by this legislation had it been in place several decades ago when people were still decent and didn't swear so much."

Already certain network and cable television outlets, which often air edited for television versions of theatrical films, have begun to comply with the decency standards that are expected to pass the Republican controlled Congress with ease. Comedy Central has announced that the 1999 comedy "Dick" staring Kirsten Dunst in a satirical take on the Nixon administration, will be renamed "Richard" before it airs this May. Fox networks has also announced plans to run the newly titled "Nookie, Lies and Videotape" in the fall. Most inexplicably however, ABC has secured rights to the Mel Gibson comedy hit "What Women Want" and has volunteered to change the name to "The Worst Movie Ever Made".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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