Worst Dressed at 2004 Oscars

Funny story written by Deanna Goodson

Thursday, 4 March 2004


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Jack Black: The Un-holy Dresser

Hollywood, CA

Thanks to all the responses of our best dressed poll, Jean Valjean Luc Picard, the creator of Les Miserables Enterprise Wear, is back to attack and give the down-lo on the worst dressed superstars from the Oscars the other night.

"We jest knew that people prefer ze vurst dressed list. Eet's more fun to make fun, eez it not?" Jean Valjean Luc Picard said from his spaceship room at his new mansion, formerly Neverland Ranch.

Here is his list for the ten worst dressed women:

  1. Fran Walsh. Peter Jackson's "better half" looked like a hippie, dippie flower child. Now we see where he gets his 'incredible' fashion sense from.
  2. Kelly Lynch. She wore this 'high-couture' dress that looked like the plumes from a peacock's rump. Yes, I said it. She looked like a peacock's ass.
  3. Vanessa Paradis. She had the best accessory of the night, Johnny Depp. Unfortunately, her 30s-inspired dress added pounds to her anorexic frame. The color washed her out. I would expect more from a French girl. C'est terrible.
  4. Jennifer Garner. What color was that? Only Crayola knows. I have vomitted up prettier colors than that.
  5. Sandra Bullock. She looked like a girl who got her hair caught in a bottle of peroxide. Yech! I didn't even look at her dress. Her hair was orange a la Ronald McDonald.
  6. Diane Keaton. She dresses like a hobo, a blind hobo. I think it's time to step out into the Hall, Annie. Dress yourself in the light.
  7. Samantha Morton. The dress was the wrong color. It washed her out. It made her as forgettable as her performance was. Ugly dress. Hideous makeup. I'm glad she didn't win the Oscar.
  8. Patricia Clarkson. Is she Kelly Clarkson's mother? Anyway, she was trying to channel Marlene Dietrich. Instead she looked like Fritz Dietrich, the anorexic cross-dresser from Widmark.
  9. Marcia Gay Harden. Boy! Has she gained a lot of weight, especially in the stomach area. Blue is NOT her color, and the hair. It was like a German school marm. She never should have left the house.
  10. Uma Thurman. Usually she is so beautiful. Even her beautiful blue eyes could not salvage the ugliness of the Swiss Miss from Hell dress she wore. Wish she saved a few of those swords from Kill Bill to butcher this dress.

Ready for more? If not, too bad. Here's Jean Valjean Luc Picard's list for the 10 Worst Dressed Men:

  1. Bobcat Goldwaithe. I appreciate that he came as Robin Williams' "date". I am all about gay rights. However, did he have to dress like Ed Harris with the stupid beret? What is up with bald men hiding their bald with stupid hats. We know it's there, Bobcat.
  2. Francis Ford Coppola. He looked like he was getting ready to be a pallbearer at Marlon Brando's funeral or something. He did not like the proud papa of an Oscar winner. No, and I don't care if he retaliates. I am ready.
  3. Stuart Townsend. Who the hell wears a white tux? My goodness. He looked like a geeky, teenage boy in the seventies going to the prom because he had to. He had Charlize Theron on his arm. The least he could have done was dress like it.
  4. Will Smith. He wore all black. He was the African American "Man in Black." It did NOT work for him. I expect more color from the "Fresh Prince".
  5. Pierce Brosnan. Couldn't he have shaved? And the silly velvet on his collar. Puh-lease. Where is James Bond's stylist when you need her? He'll get no Octo-pussy dressed like that.
  6. Jack Black. He is ugly, he is stupid and he dresses accordingly. I hate him.
  7. Sir Ian McKellan. He tried to add some panache to his tux. It fell short, hairy and flat, like a Hobbit's foot.
  8. Sean Astin. The fat Hobbit hasn't lost much weight, I see. He also tried to wear sunglasses on the Red Carpet. This is not the 80s and no one should wear their "sunglasses at night." Not ever.
  9. Renee Zellweger's Date. I don't care what his name was. He was big, fat and got his tuxedo fitted at the Tent shop. He looked horrible.
  10. Sting. He needs to stop spending so many hours having sex, the tantric way, and a few more hours working with his stylist. He looks like a gay Scotsman on a bad hair day. I used to be a fan.

Jean Valjean hopes you enjoyed his lists. He says, in his best Governor Schwarzenegger voice, "I'll be back."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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