Ant and Dec sacked over 'Soggy Biscuit' Scandal

Written by T. Pynchon

Sunday, 23 September 2007

image for Ant and Dec sacked over 'Soggy Biscuit' Scandal
Amazed by Soggy Biscuit Scandal

Geordie Dwarfs Ant & Dec were sensationally fired last night after their latest TV stunt dramatically backfired.

The duo, who usually delight viewers by competing to make the un-funniest jokes, shocked the world by staging a live Soggy Biscuit contest.

A studio audience of 450 chavs watched open-mouthed as the cheeky couple unzipped their pants and pulled out what appeared to be a Cheesy Wotsit and a wrinkled Chipolata.

The masturbatory midgets were joined on stage by celebrity wankers Richard Madeley, George Galloway MP and James Blunt.

A butler then brought forward a single chocolate digestive on a silver platter and placed it on a small table.

'THREE..... TWO... ONE....,' shouted the audience as the five competitors gathered round the confectionary treat grasping their swollen glands.

'And they're off!' screamed Commentator John Twotson.

'There are some real silky skills on display tonight for you at home. I do believe I've never seen such concentration on the face of Richard Madeley.

'He's looking the favourite to shoot first, while James Blunt is still struggling to maintain an erection at all.

'Meanwhile Ant and Dec have decided on the unorthodox strategy of beating each other off furiously. I last saw that tactic in the Dutch dressing room during the 1974 World Cup.

'And there goes Madeley! Yes that's a fine torrent of man milk there... right over the digestive. A well placed shot indeed.

'But here's Dec and Ant. A magnificent show of simultaneous ejaculation. The biscuit really didn't have a chance.

'So now it's a straight fight between George Galloway and James Blunt, who seems to be gazing into a mirror in an attempt to arouse himself.

'Galloway is looking good here, slowly building up a head of steam like an ageing locomotive... I think he's nearly there.... and James Blunt is making a late comeback.... he doesn't want to be last, that's for sure.

'Yes, it's Galloway first. That picture of Maggie Thatcher really did the trick.

'Blunt is beaten. And he's looking at the soggy biscuit grimly now. He knows the hardest part is yet to come.'

Almost three million viewers had already phoned up to complain by the time James Blunt was asked to swallow the cum-laden cookie.

Asked about his failure to perform on national TV, Blunt claimed he was put off at the vinegar stroke by the sight of Judy Finnigan lurking off stage.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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