After 23 days of incarceration, socialite and heiress Paris Hilton claims she has grown accustomed to life in jail and can no longer live outside the confines of a jail cell.
"I just can't make it on the outside", Paris said on Larry King Live. "I got used to having my meals delivered to me and being pampered in jail. I even got used to the food. I can't even eat caviar anymore. It makes me gag".
"Weren't the beds uncomfortable?", King asked Ms. Hilton.
"They were at first but then I started sleeping really well. I can't even sleep in my old bed at home anymore. It's too soft and not lumpy enough".
Ms Hilton's publicist Elliot Mintz expressed concern after the Larry King show that Ms Hilton was going to get behind the wheel again. "She has become hardened", Mintz said. "I'm afraid she will return to her life of crime".
Jail officials, speaking on condition of anonymity, revealed that Ms Hilton may have become a danger to society.
"She made a shank out of a toothbrush and attacked me with it", a burly prison guard told The Spoof. "I couldn't restrain her. If she comes back to jail I hope I don't have to be the one to watch her again. I don't care how nice her tits are".
Psychologist Dan Knoll says that Hilton's attitude is common among recently released offenders. He expressed optimism that with proper medications and counseling she would be able to resume her former life of partying and sex tapes.