CLIFTON, NJ – In the early morning of Sunday November 23rd, FBI agents armed with tear gas, semi-automatic machine guns, and 3 K9 dogs trained to find high priced Peruvian flake cocaine, violently entered the northern New Jersey apartment of 48-year-old audio video field technician, semi-professional gambler, and singer/songwriter musician known only as Wyatt Benny. In what authorities are calling “the most pressing public-safety crisis since someone deep-fried a PS5,” and what federal prosecutors are calling “the most dangerous stash of manipulated images since the Hannah Montana face-morph hack of 2008.
The 48-year-old was dramatically taken into custody yesterday after the Passaic County Tactical Photoshop Unit discovered 327 illegally manipulated photographs of electronica pop star Charli XCX on his 2020 MacBook Pro. The images, described in the warrant as “plutonium aqua blue” (a filter so radioactive it reportedly gave one forensic technician an immediate nose ring and an uncontrollable urge to say “brat summer” in a British accent), depict Ms. XCX in various states of aesthetic overload:
Charli XCX on the surface of Europa
Charli XCX as the Gilded Age robber baron “Charli X. Carnegiex,”
Charli XCX piloting a neon green wave runner at the New Jersey shore with the caption “it’s so confusing being this hot.” Emblazoned with a liquified looking Aqua Blue T-Shirt displaying a green fired 3 and text that read "I Fucking Love Wyatt Benny"
• A folder labeled “do not open unless you want to ascend” containing nothing but the “Constant Repeat” opening instrumental on loop from the Crash (Deluxe) album
• A life-size cardboard cutout of Charli signed “to wyatt, stay brat – xcx” (forensic analysis confirmed the signature was drawn in MS Paint)
The reclusive auteur, close to finishing up his two decades in the making trilogy of albums—came under suspicion several weeks ago after posting color manipulated photographs of one Charlotte Emma Atchison, professionally known as CharliXCX, onto Facebook and X.
“First, it was 1-2 photographs, which may raise some eyebrows but not really, you know?” said Dick Frederickson, senior lieutenant of the Clifton New Jersey Police Department when talking to WKFB-NJ 11 reporter Kate Johnson. But they just kept coming, you know. Fucking 3, 4, 10, 20 it just got so fucking out of control. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? I mean, she's a beautiful woman and he’s a talented photoshop artist, but we had to check this fuckhead out.”
As Frederickson had noted earlier in the interview, the celebrity status of CharliXCX elevated the precedence of the case over horrific violent incidents in the area, including a boy demon who possessed his younger sister and convinced her to go on a machete rampage in downtown Clifton, with dozens of body parts and gallons of blood overflowing the sewers.
Neighbors reported hearing the raid at approximately 3:27 a.m. when a flashbang grenade was deployed directly into Mr. Benny’s 1 bedroom condo apartment. “I thought it was the rapture,” said next-door neighbor Dolores Ramirez, 71. “Turns out it was just the government finally doing something about men who use the Draw tool unethically.”
The raid was executed by the newly formed FBI Hyperpop Crimes Division (HCD), whose vests read “PCSO (Post-Charli Stress Order)” in reflective bubble font. Police Commissioner Karen Von Hasselblad defended the full SWAT deployment, explaining that any collection exceeding 300 images automatically triggers “Tier 1 Hyperfixation Protocol.” The SWAT team recovered one extremely cursed image of CharliXCX where she’s crying glitter tears while holding a cake that says “good luck defending this in court Benny”
“Look, we have limited resources,” Von Hasselblad told reporters while conspicuously ignoring three burning pentagrams visible in the background skyline of Clifton. “Yes, there have been seventeen confirmed demonic possessions this month, including one that caused a Dunkin’ Donuts employee to speak only in a cryptic ancient language during the time of the Bubonic Plague, but those demons have rights. Mr. Benny, on the other hand, used the Liquify tool to make Charli’s waist approximately the width of a Red Bull can and the expansion pen to increase her bust size from a firm respectable C cup to a DD. That’s a crime against reality itself.”
When reached for comment in his holding cell, Wyatt (wearing lime-green detention scrubs that somehow still matched CharliXCX's aesthetic) seemed disturbingly calm.
“Is she mad at me though?” he whispered through the food slot, sliding forward a new charcoal drawing entitled “Charli XCX forgiving me in the hyperpop afterlife.” Sources close to the investigation say the laptop also contained a 400-page Google Doc titled “charli_theses_final_final_v29.docx” which argues that Charli XCX is not merely a musician but “the final evolutionary form of human desire, like if Freud listened to nothing but the wonton cries of 100 geckos”
The Clifton Police Department has officially reallocated its entire Occult Crimes Division budget toward purchasing better color-calibrated monitors “to prevent future crimes against taste.” Meanwhile, Mr. Benny's possessed 2010 Plutonium Aqua Blue Mazda 3, currently levitating above Route 3 about 327 feet above the highway, had several demonic creatures partying in the vehicle, screaming the lyrics to ‘Von Dutch’ in a demonic Auto-Tuned baritone. But those demons bought the album on vinyl, so they’re basically cool. This guy Wyatt Benny? He fucking used the Liquify tool like he’s trying to start World War III in 2048p. He’s a fucking criminal. A disgusting animal.
The possessed Dunkin’ Donuts on Van Houten Avenue that now only serves “Iced Von Dutch Cult Party Lattes” has been placed on a watchlist but not raided, because, quote, “the line is already out the door and the demons tip in cash.”
Charli XCX’s representatives released a statement reading, in its entirety: “girl idk who that is but the europa one kinda slays.”
When dragged out in zip ties, Wyatt was heard screaming “I’ve done nothing wrong you dumb commies. Get the fuck off my private property you parasites.”
Wyatt Benny faces up to 15 years in federal prison for “possession of weapons-grade yearning.” His bond has been set at 327 unreleased Charli XCX demos, which prosecutors admit “may actually be impossible to obtain without selling your soul, which at this point feels redundant.”
Case closed. Brat summer is officially over in the state of New Jersey. How law enforcement will get rid of all these demons is unknown at this time.
