Due to what must be tax evasion purposes or a community service sentence Coldplay will be playing in East Hull. Which is kinda like sending Bon Jovi out to Antarctica. A spokesman for Coldplay said:
The people of East Hull will see something that will amaze them as much as the sun rising each morning does.
However not everything is rosy in the Coldplay garden with officials writing up a list of 26 things that fans should not be bringing into the concert. We at Back and to the Left news have obtained though our sources a copy of this list. Well we asked the spokesman for the list and he said it was free to download from the bands website but we didn’t want to go to their shitty website so we had him write it down for us so we could bring YOU (our beloved readers) it in advance.
1. A musical taste (you’ve already bought tickets to Coldplay you’ll be safe here)
2. Loved ones (it will be seen as a act of cruelty to bring a loved on to this gig)
3. Full length mirrors. The band are incapable of looking at themselves.
4. Carrots
5. Large glass bowls that would normally be found in the middle of a table at a swingers party
6. Any species of seal (yes including leopard seals. We’re looking at you Reading 2005!)
7. Your mobile phones (you will not be able to signal for help during the gig)
8. A flare pistol (you will not be able to signal for help during the gig)
9. T-shirts depicting other bands (current band members don’t like to be reminded that there are other, better bands out there)
10. That joke fart spray you could get when you were younger but cant seemingly get it now
11. Your nan (she will never forgive you if her last ever gig is a Coldplay one)
12. Toasters (although great for a bath related suicide will not help you during the bands performance)
13. Morse code machine (You will not be able to signal for help during the gig)
14. Alcohol. There are no alcoholic drinks to be served at the gig. You bought these tickets and you will endure it soberly.
15. Dogs. Don’t subject your dog to this shite
16. Headphones. Thinking of putting on better music? Fuck you these will be seized
17. The number 17
18. Any type of dinosaur bones
19. Religious artefacts. This is Coldplay territory bitches your God can't help you here.
20. Engagement rings/plans. Don’t you dare propose to your partner on a muddy rugby pitch in East Hull while Coldplay play in the background. Have you no shame?
21. Sense of shame. Just leave it at the gate
22. Emergency GPS (YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SIGNAL FOR HELP DURING THE GIG
23. Drugs. What am I saying you’re at a Coldplay concert you’re not cool enough for drugs
24. Frozen scotch eggs (again we’re looking at you Reading 2005!!!)
25. Industrial logging equipment
26. Recording equipment (none of us want to remember this)
