Now that a woman wearing an albatross on her shoulders completely destroyed the Oscars for everybody sitting behind her (thanks, asshole – you’re this year’s Will Smith, you know that, right? And she was a musician! Can we please stop inviting this musical narcissism to the Big Glamorous Show of Vanity and Fairs?!) …anyway, large vision-blocking clothing will no longer be allowed at future award shows.
Also, turn off all cell phones and any devices that make any sound ever. Your pace maker is fine as long as it’s quiet. Your titanium leg – better not squeak! Put some oil on it, people are trying to listen to the “comedy” going on onstage right now.
Also, if you get up to piss and you come back with a piece of clothing taller than your head … you must speak to security, sir or ma’am. No Karens will be tolerated! You ARE speaking to the manager and he’s saying you ain’t getting no award so you can get your ass out of that seat for the rest of the show and come back dressed normally – that means it’s not all about you! There are other people in the room – can you not see them!
And that’s how a vanity dress can be an albatross hanging around your neck. Oscar don’t play albatross, bee-atch – leave the dead bird at home!
