Written by Frank Cotolo

Sunday, 4 February 2007

image for Britney's offers make Kevin hurl with laughter
Britney, one of her kids with Kevin, and Kevin.

STALKING, La. -- Kevin Federline has rejected a $25-million-divorce settlement from Britney Spears because, sources say, "Kevin wants more than that."

Federline, who has had two children with Britney, was reportedly looking for more like $200 million.

Another source says that Federline insists his settlement figures are not based on greed but love of their kids. "He secretly feels that children who grow up with only two-digit millions in their bank accounts can quickly turn to drugs or bad rap music," the source says, insisting that Kevin once bounced a check. "From what we are told to know and speculate about according to fourth-person sources that link directly to Kevin, Britney originally offered Kevin nothing to leave. In fact, her offer was reportedly the same as Michael Corleone's offer to Senator Pat Geary at the beginning of Godfather II."

Britney then offered, according to the same sources, bus fare, which Kevin declined. Then she upped the offer to paying for the limo and moving van when he left. Kevin laughed.

Then Britney offered three unwashed loads of her laundry along with the previous offers. Kevin scoffed at that offer, too.

Britney then added to her offers, according to the same sources, a year's worth of Ovaltine. Kevin almost choked from laughing.

Britney then offered, according to the same sources, to buy Kevin sixteen eighteen-year-old slaves under the condition that he take all the previous offers and live in a land where slaves are allowed. Kevin thought for a moment and then laughed until his breakfast came up.

Sources also say that the lawyers of the two parties are fighting tooth and nail over the settlement. C. Marion Kilbrand, Esquire, has reportedly lost five teeth and two nails in the meetings that have ensued with F. Targetman Silicone, Esquire, who is representing Kevin.

"The main problem with these two lawyers," says a source, "is that they are both married to each other's spouses and that has, in itself, caused some legal problems."

Not only that, says another source, but "Kilbrand and Silicone each have three nipples, which has them forming a strange bond with one another when not fighting about the case."

Even with the expert yet inconsistent aid from their lawyers, Britney and Kevin continue to exchange rage.

Kevin recently told Britney to take a hike and Britney may file a seperate suit claiming that Kevin is endangering her life by suggesting she walk down lonely, dark trails where there are snakes and insects that can harm her.

Britney, secret reports that cannot be confirmed indicate, says that she won't be happy until Kevin never hums another song that she recorded, even in the privacy of his own home, no less in front of their children or while drinking with Harry Windsor, the heir to the British throne.

When Kevin was told that he chittered, chuckled and waved his arms like a magpie.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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