"Helicopter Mom" Crashes Through Glass Ceiling At Chase Manhattan; Intervenes in Son's Interview

Written by King David

Thursday, 1 February 2007

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Helicopter Mom Crashes Through Glass Ceiling At Chase Manhattan; Negotiates Son's Contract

A "helicopter mom" crashed through the glass ceiling of her son's job interview today demanding higher salary and benefits for her hen-pecked son. As Albert E. Neuman, younger brother to Alfred, spoke with interviewers at Chase Manhattan today concerning one of their positions as an entry-level officer, Neuman's mother, came crashing through the reinforced glass panels in her helicopter on the 23rd story of The Chase Manhattan Bankin New York City.

After landing her helicopter on the executive's desk, she proceeded to get out and give him a piece of her mind.

"I don't see how you can sit there in your custom-tailored Bermini suit and tell my son that he's going to start off making $50,000 a year. Come on, with the cost of living these days, $50,000 'il only get you a rental flat on the west side with nothing left over for groceries, the power bill, or entertainment, to say nothing about starting a family."

The human resource officer, after getting over the initial shock of the helicopter mother's unannounced visit, said firmly that it was up to her son to negotiate his own contract and that any help he received from her would be considered a sign of weakness that he could not negotiate terms of his own life with his employer.

This would be interpreted to say that he would not be able to negotiate for the bank in his position. Not a good omen for a job interview that seemed to be taking too long anyway.

At this point, the boy's father was reported to have stepped out of the helicopter to intervene, once again, on his son's behalf and calm down his mother saying to the human resource officer, "You'll have to excuse my wife, she just gets worked up when her son's future is at stake."

A grief counselor on hand said that helicopter moms frequently get worked up over salary negotiations for their sons because they see their son's higher salaries correlated with his being able to attract an American trophy wife like herself that will also never settle for less than six-figures (six figures gets my figure is her motto) and bear him children, giving her grandchildren in return.

"This is truly an American economic system," the counselor said.

The boy's father stood by mutely with a grin.

"Helicopter parents" are a new phenomenon in today's culture with children waiting longer to leave the nest and depending more on their parents to act as mentors and mediators between them and the world since America, after the 1940's, has done away with her sense of community and opted for careerism ($$$) instead.

"These kids move around so much they never experience what their parents got growing up in one place in a strong community. Everyone always had a strong mentor outside of the family to look up to," said social analyst Harvey Wallbanger of H&R Block.

Today, 75% of American children are still living at home until their 25th birthdays. This compares with 51.6% in 1994.

Critics of the culture blame college campuses and parents for coddling today's young adults. They say that there are far too many amenities being provided these children and say that services such as "free" internet and cable in dorm rooms, "free" on campus laundry services, microwave ovens, individual phone lines, "free" i-Pods and fast food restaurants near campus accepting student meal cards should be done away with and merely teach our kids to become dependant on others.

Futures analysts say that this kind of dependence will spawn a new market for a generation that remembers how to do all these things for themselves and they should be in high demand to marry the generation of "idiots" that never learned to become self-sufficient, but had all the "book learning" in the world.

Once again, common sense gets the short shrift.

In other news today, Alfred E. Neuman never lost his smile, turns 52 in November.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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