Goozahyurwatchee Swamp, South Carolina –
The world’s most famous nuclear mutant-cryptid is back stateside after some months “on the run” here and there and sometime spent in the ever-greening Euro-Zone.
We caught up with Godzilla at his campsite in the brackish Goozahyurwatchee Swamp, abutting the S.C. coastal waters. He became voluble as ever, once we primed his gullet with 450 gallons of contaminated river water from the Three Mile Island ex-nuclear reactor site. [Oh, yeah, we brought our own tank truck!] And, after a resounding belch that strafed and incinerated some nearby Palmetto plants, His Zilla-ness held forth on recent events and his view of Watchee’s up.
Kicked outta Kilauea: “Yeah…it was a real bad beat in the Islands. Those keonis at the Office of Mellow Sustainability really got on my ass! Not so mellow after all…just ‘cuz I dropped a big one on Kilauea. Hey, those remnants of Japanese reactors could only enrich soil in that volcanic waste land, man! But, as my bud ‘Buzz’ Kraken sez: ‘Any ke kana who only eats sprouts, drinks barley water, and does Tai Chi wouldn’t know a beneficial shit if it dropped on ‘em.’ So, I blew out a big ALOHA smoke script from you know where and split to Patui-Tui Twonga. ‘Nuff said.”
Return to the Nippon-land Foiled: “Talked with my CPA, and she suggested I might be able to claim some losses if I went back to Japan and barfed up a nuclear submarine or two gratis. It could stabilize my tax nexus, er, or some such crap. Anyhoo…the Nihonjin certainly have LONG memories and hold BIG grudges. So the immigration guy started shouting: ‘Kowai tokage! Kowai tokage! Kowai tokage! Tokyo! Tokyo! Tokyo! Haite wa ikemasen! Haite wa ikemasen!’ Then the little shit gave me the finger! Sure ain’t no linguist, but I got the message--- They‘re still pissed ‘cuz of that time I ate most of Tokyo! Hey, some folks need to getta life!”
Another Bad Beat -- Got Blackballed from the Skull Island Movie: “Yuh-now, that hairy creep King Kong’s has had it in for me since I played a practical joke on him. Who the hell knew he was allergic to jalapeno peppers!?! Back in ’76, I wuz in La-la-land doin’ a stand-in for the Jolly Green Giant on TV ads—yuh-now the Green Guy refuses to rehearse--- and...anyway. all I did was stuff a few red hotties into Kong’s bananas at his trailer on set….GEEZ! I’ve never seen hives that size on any critter---looks like he was stuck all over with pulsing neon red tennis balls. And, yuh DON’T wanna hear about the stuff he dumped on the lot! So, after the Nippon expulsion, when my agent floated me for a spot in the flick, Kong got in and blackballed the deal. Whatta Bad Beat! I really think the dude’s a Scalist!”
Denuclearization Gig in Deutschland: “Hey, was ZERO chance of getting back into flicks… so I flew to Berlin. Turned out Der Merke-ster is gettin’ rid of all nuclear stuff in Krautsville. Did a quick claw squiggle, and was hired to go around and eat any and all: atomic plants, old Commie warheads and V-1 rockets, U of Frankfurt’s labs, Werner Van Braun’s lederhosen, BMW nukie accelerators, some Mercedes Merkel-class diesel-nukie converts, Willie Brandt’s moldy toupee, and all Black Forest kirsch-torte bakeries---yuh-now, just kinda generally clean up all the crap.”
An Unfortunate Situation in a Munich BierGarten: “Well, I had just wrapped up sucking most of the slag from the Black Forest, and I needed a break. Went to Munich on the weekend for some brewskis at the Baader-Meinhoff Biergarten. Guess I was a little rank from the week’s work, cuz all the beer-sucking Krauts decamped when I stomped in. Anyway, mein hosts must have had some kinda Gemutlichheit remorse, ‘cuz they sent out a sorta scaly fraulein to ask ‘VAS? VAS’? To which I bellowed BIER! BIER!”
“Mariah Teradactylkeit was her name, but turns out she was a local member of Munchen Feminazi-reptilizons – a really bad tribe of Kraut broads, bent on doing bad shit to dudes who just want to have a bier in peace. So, it wasn’t exactly Kraut hospitality, for sure….Anyway, I had had some really rancid stomach acid from the last batch of kirsch-torte, so yuh-now, I had to belch. Let one go… and this Mariah starts screaming ‘Sulphurous Harassment! Sulphurous Harassment! Sulphurous Harassment!’ in an unnerving Bavarian screech. Sounded like a Brunhilde torqued-up on PCP! Next she’s shouting they’re gonna revive Stasi and jam me into a Feminazireptilizon Sex Crimes Court in Koln, er, some such black-ops dungeon”
Escape from Munich with a Succinct Message: “Well, you don’t have to skewer a dude like me with a cattle prod to get the point. So, it was outta Munich in dash, but in a parting poetic flourish I don’t often do, I farted out in a sulphurous smoke script --MARIAH SUCKS NUTS. It should hang over der biergarten Munich for months.”
To the Swamp: “Skipped to the North Sea for a brisk dip and wash-off, then did a stealthy swim across the Pond—yuh never know when those Greenpeace loonies are goin’ to be tracking your tail. Made it here to the swamp and now just chillin’. Yuh-now, sometimes I feel like what my ol’ bro Rodnee Danga-Dragon always said: “I don’t ever get any respect!!!’”