Written by Jock Reasoning

Friday, 10 July 2015

There's a trendy word making the rounds among teens during these hot summer months and that word is celibacy. Yes, celibacy, the practice of safe sex via the means of abstinence or, in other words, no sex.

When I first heard this prudish practice was becoming popular among America's wildest, most uninhibited age group, I had to check it out for myself. I mean, could it be true? Could America's youth be taking a stand against sexually transmitted diseases, teen pregnancy, and other sex related issues that plague today's society?

If so, it certainly bodes well for our youth's future.

I began my journey in the state of Alabama where I met a young man by the name of Mario Landsberg. Mario is a 17 year old, soon-to-be senior who lives near Gulf Shores, a popular vacation spot near the beach.

Mario also has a rare skin disease which prevents him from going out, in the sun, especially during the summer months, called Pale-ism.

When I first met Mario, he was clad in a v-neck t-shirt and board shorts, perfect summer attire as he gave off a laid back, cool vibe. He was in the middle of coding programs for a video game he was working on, as a side gig. I forget the name of the game, but it had something to do with medieval warriors, I think.

"Mario," I asked, "you're a staunch practitioner of celibacy, how hard is it, for you, to remain firm in your commitment?"

"Well," Mario began, accidentally spitting a gob of saliva all over his right arm due to the heavy amount of artillery covering his teeth. "I made a commitment early in life that girls would come later. I can honestly say that I have not strayed from the path of celibacy my entire life."

"So, what you're saying is that being celibate is not as hard as some whiny teens would lead people to believe?" I asked.

"In my opinion, no, it isn't any more difficult than avoiding dairy products," the lactose intolerant teen stated.

I left my meeting with Mario feeling as though just maybe abstinence was the new 'in' thing this summer. I had to be sure, though. While Mario may be a young entrepreneur with a bevy of females lined up at any given moment, I just needed a viewpoint from a member of the fairer sex.

It wasn't long before a 17 year old named Vanessa Farmington sent me an email, willing to provide her views on abstinence and the teenage community.

I caught up with Vanessa at her parent's home located in Knoxville, Tennessee. When she didn't immediately greet me in the living room, I felt great offense and debated leaving, forgoing the interview entirely.

However, her mother informed me that Vanessa suffered from an acute case of gluttony. I was led into Vanessa's chambers where she was stricken to her bed, unable to move due to her curvaceous, six hundred pound frame.

After locating a semi-comfortable seat on a bean bag chair, along with a stray cheese puff, which I did not let go to waste, I initiated the questioning. "Now, Vanessa, I can imagine that for men, celibacy might be more of a consequence rather than a choice. However, for a cute, bright eyed woman such as yourself, it has to be hard to remain firm in your beliefs."

"First of all," she fired back, sassily, "if you're going to come in here and steal my food, you'd better ask first, it's the southern way."

"Sorry." I truly was, I mean it wasn't as though the puff was all that fresh to begin with. To be honest, it was rather stale.

"Back to your question, abstinence is a way of life. I'm a full figured gal with a whole lot to offer, but you don't see me peddling these goods on every street corner in town. Seriously, get your stuff in check, girls. Sure, at first, it's hard to turn down the numerous advances of good looking men, but, if you stay true to your values, to your core, it will be as easy as eating seven meals a day in no time."

"I see," I commented, while jotting everything down.

"Ahem," she cleared her massive throat, "you can sit over here, next to me, if that bean bag chair is hurting your back."

"Uh, no, that's okay," I declined her sweet offering, such a beautiful woman, in and out.

I promptly concluded my interview with Vanessa and reached the conclusive diagnosis that, in the summer of 2015, abstinence is IN.

Spread the word! Let your kids know that if they want to be hip, if they want to be a part of a phenomenon sweeping the nation, they need to hop aboard the abstinence train. Just ask Vanessa and Mario, it's a speedy, exciting adventure with plenty of room for more.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: abstinence, Celibacy




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