Written by rfreed

Wednesday, 3 June 2015

A long lost Kirk/Spock vintage Star Trek episode that never aired has turned up in a forgotten vault at Paramount Studios. "The Deflowering" was a 1967 show featuring all the beloved and famous characters who made the show such an unforgettable sci-fi icon. Unfortunately its subject matter made it a no-show on that eras airwaves.

It was about sex. Too much sex.

As viewers from that time period surely noted (especially the men) the women on the series wore hyper-sexy outfits that must have been designed by Playboy. Mini skirts so obscenely short that if the wearee sat incorrectly she would give an anatomy lesson to any males within viewing distance (Did you ever notice that Uhura always sat with her back to the camera? And when she turned around her legs were always crossed? Had she not it would have eliminated the need for a lot of the young males watching to attend the sex education classes forming in the '60's). Sheer stockings that must surely have succeeded in disturbing the concentration of the many dedicated technicians and scientists on the voyage. Note too that all of the female worker bees on board the Enterprise always had stellar figures and features of the kind that would make Victoria Secret models jealous. The men also were often of the Gold's Gym variety, buff and handsome, although too many of them wore red shirts meaning that their days were numbered.

The effect of all this splendid male and female physiology was that it released too many hormones into the cramped quarters of the Enterprise. Too much temptation moved too many trained minds to wander. Also the fact that each employee of the ship seemed to have his own quarters oozing intimate privacy didn't help. The result of all this lack of fore-site or understanding of human nature led to an interstellar baby boom on the order of the post World War Two troop withdrawal from Europe and re-insertion elsewhere.

Suddenly Dr. McCoy found himself with a lot more than phaser wounds to treat. His medical office had to expand into the cafeteria. Extra housing had to be constructed just below the thrusters. The five year mission had to be shortened to four and a quarter.

The resident minister had to conduct a number of shotgun weddings with phasers subbing for the weapon of choice. A lot of the kids were born with suspicious points on their ears.

The aftermath of this incident was that a lot of kids were born on the Enterprise and for the first few years of their lives had nothing better to do than learn about life on a space craft. This left them more advanced in learning than their earth counterparts that they met upon arrival on their home planet. They were used to space. They could handle it.

Unfortunately their only talent was space probing. Many were so used to processed space food that they couldn't stand eating real fruits and vegetables. Some, having never experienced a real plant or tree other than the strange ones they found on alien planets developed horrid allergies on return to their home planet. Animals seemed odd to them when not in the confines of a foreign ship. Other than Tribbles they only knew them from computer videos. The sun blinded and freaked out many who were used to the electrical lighting of the ship.

So the Federation found it cheaper to ship them back out again rather than try to retrain them to survive on earth. New starships were built as part of this new form of space age Section 9 housing. They were blasted away to the the ant colonies of Voyager and the Next Generation. Eventually they were even shipped off to Deep Space Nine which was really designed with the hope that they would never return.

Legend has it that one of these lost colonies was the real background for Battlestar Galactica's multi-season searching for earth.

Space - the final subsidized housing.......

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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