NEW YORK - John Mellencamp revealed his plans to win back Meg Ryan today in an exclusive interview with TheSpoof.com. You, our readers, will be the first to know the details of his plans. Even Meg won't know before you.
John said that first he would go to the top of a hill and go into a deep meditative state until he conjures up a sharknado near Meg. He will then borrow a Superman outfit that he borrowed from TheSpoof.com writer, Cal-el. Once in the outfit, he plans to jump between her and a flying shark, saving Meg and rendering the shark defenseless by driving his hands into the shark's gills. Once the shark is completely incapacitated, he will wash his hands then grab Meg up in his arms, sweeping her away from the sharknado and into a nearby cafe for a romantic moonlight dinner and dancing. Once they have had their fill of food and wine, John will do his best to convince Meg to leave her daughter with a babysitter whom he will pay in advance, then go back to his room with him for a passionate night of lovemaking to rekindle the flame.
"Do you think that will work, John," asked TheSpoof.com writer, Cal-el?
"There's no way to be sure but it's worth a try."
"How will you protect yourself from the shark's sharp teeth?"
"I plan to wear steel mesh gloves. After all, Superman is the Man of Steel."
"When do you plan to attempt this feat?"
"Right after I finish writing a sweet love song that I plan to sing to her after we make love."
"What if you don't get that far?"
"Well, I can always step back and punt."
All of the staff at TheSpoof.com wishes both John and Meg well. We also wish their daughter well since she may have to wear earplugs or go deaf from listening to the moans of her parents the first month after they unite, should they reunite.