Attack of OJ Simpson: 21st Century Cookie Monster

Funny story written by Ossurworld

Thursday, 26 September 2013

A brazen prison crime has been perpetrated and the perp is a familiar monster of folklore. Put the notion of overweight James Cagney calling for his "Ma!" in a one-man prison riot in the movie White Heat.

This is another fat inmate doing a Pillsbury Doughboy imitiation. Yes, O.J. Simpson of double homicide fame has been busted. If the glove did not fit, we'd have to acquit. Based on his pulchritude, nothing he wears really fits.

Alas, for mammoth fat slob O.J., the years have not been kind.

His crime sort of fits his belt size. He was caught stealing oatmeal cookies out of the prison cafeteria. They contraband were hidden in his lumpy shirt.

So, the cookies were hot in both a metaphorical and literal sense. Simpson now adds a cookie sheet to his rap sheet.

When you are 66 years old and failing to follow dietary rules, you turn up looking like a raspberry turnover.

How much time will be tacked onto his sentence at the Las Vegas country club prison is open to speculation. He likely will be strip searched every time he goes through the cafeteria line. That will kill appetites for sure.

You will be able to pick O.J. out of the lineup because he's the one with the crumbs on his shirt.

In the fiction of James Cain and other Hollywood types of crime writers, you are always punished for some minor infraction, not the major crime of your life.

Alas, for Simpson, this is how the cookie crumbles. The Toll House cookie tolls for thee, O.J.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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