Next Pope will be elected through an X-Factor style show

Funny story written by IainB

Friday, 15 February 2013

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Andrew Lloyd Webber has been approached by the Vatican to put together a television show that will let the Catholic Church elect a new Pontiff through the popular television format pioneered by shows such as the X-Factor and America's Got Talented Kids.

"It's a great honour," said Webber. "After the success of shows like Jesus Christ Superstar and the Voice, the Catholic church have realised that in order to get a popular Pope, they need to get the popular vote."

The new show, which will start at Easter and take contestants from all over the world, follows a traditional format for such shows.

"We've got David Hasslehoff, Victoria Beckham and the Arch-Bishop of Cantebury as judges," said Webber. "Although Vicky's said she might be too busy, and could be replaced by Ozzy's daughter, Kelly Osbourne."

The initial shows are the auditions, where each applicant will be on stage, and have five minutes to suggest why they should lead the biggest religion on Earth.

"We're hoping that we'll get some right characters show up," said Webber. "People that the public can really warm to."

This may not be the case with former reality talent show contestants Wagner, Darius and Chico all throwing their names into the hat. Even Susan Boyle may put forward a case for becoming the next Pontiff, overturning millennia of male popes, should she win.

After the initial auditions stages, those taken through will be taken to Vatican City where they will undergo various tests to see who's the best possible pontiff. Tests such as sitting in a chair for nineteen hours straight, waving at people from the back of a car and speaking Latin.

"Each judge will look after some of the contestants," said Webber. "Train them up in the way of the Catholic church."

At the end of each show, members of the public will be allowed to phone vote for those that they want to vote off. The Catholic church claim that this is not a money making exercise. The contestants up for elimination will stand in front of smoke machines, which will fire up white smoke or black smoke for those that are staying or going respectively.

"The Grand Finale," said Webber, "will be held in St Peter's Piazza. The final four contestants will be on the Papal Balcony in June, ready to address their new congregation. Whoever wins will be the most popular Pope the world has ever seen. Guaranteed."

The new show will be called Pope Idol.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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