In-fighting and jealousy have marred ITV's new talentless show this week.
The hostess - every schoolboy's wet dream - Amanda Holden - is still smarting from being usurped in Simon Cowell's affections by a dog and is showing that she is JUST a pretty face by fluffing her lines and mixing up the phone vote numbers.
Judges' favourite taxi-cab-eared Ben is threatening to leave after the other Jesuses complained that the studio lights shining through his ears was distracting.
Horley News (entertainment section) sent a reporter along to investigate.
Mary Christian daughter of 70's comedian Jimmy Cricket and chaperone to the Jesuses was very forthcoming.
"It's true" she said "All is not well - there has been a lot of bitching and ill-feeling. For a start, the one called Roger - well that's not his real name. Dawn wanted him to be known as Roger for the show. From day one she has seen 'Roger' as a replacement for ex-hubby Lenny Henry and what with her losing all that weight an all she feels more attractive and has set her cap at him. She uses his name like a verb hoping that he will get the message".
"His Lordship has cottoned on to what Dawn is up to and took a pop at Roger on the show the other evening saying that he seemed out of breath and implying that he was a sweaty porker".
"And there's more" continued Mary warming to her theme and tenderly caressing the gold crucifix around her neck. We should add at this point that 'Madcap Mary' as she is known is firmly convinced of the Second Coming but owing to the string of sexual inadequates she has been dating has yet to witness it personally.
"A lot of us are feeling that it is not the viewers that will decide the winner but a much higher deity" she said pointing up to the ceiling.
"You mean GOD?" gasped our reporter.
"Nooooo" laughed Mary "Up there, on the 2nd floor, that's the dressing room of the one they call 'Jeff'. There's something different about that one if you ask me and I'm not talking about the fishy smell that hangs around him. For a start he looks like the Bible piccy of Jesus and he doesn't mix at the after show drinks parties but takes wine back to his room and drinks alone".
"And there's more" she continued beckoning our reporter even closer "The other day he asked me to wash his feet. Well I soon knocked that idea on the head by telling him I was a podophobic!".
With that Mary danced off down the corridor singing in a Hilda Ogdenish kind of way "Jeffrey Christ Superstar.....Who are you? What have you sacrificed?" to the amusement of our reporter.
And there's more.......Maybe.
