Written by HaveIGotNewsForYou

Tuesday, 18 September 2012

image for Dawn French Reveals Secret Regime That Maintains Her Roly- Poly Figure
The Secret Revealed

Cuddly funny gal Dawn French has finally revealed how she maintains her "full-figure" look which has helped the chubby comedienne be regularly cast as a fat, overweight, obese or frumpy middle aged woman for the last 30 years.

"Quite simply I eat as much junk food, chocolate and calorie laden shit as I can muster" beamed the moon faced star "I am addicted to Terry's Chocolate Oranges, Cadburry's crème eggs and curly wurlys.

What I do is gorge on sweeties and confectionery non-stop, until I can eat no more!"

French also claims to have a strict exercise regime which she adheres to everyday.

"I roll out of bed at around midday and I then go downstairs via my Stannah Chair Lift before being carried by my staff to the kitchen. I try and not expend any energy as not to burn off calories. It is important that I maintain the 'friendly frumpy French image!'

The Vicar of Dibley star told me "It isn't easy you know, stuffing my face all day and not moving" as she crammed a chocolate éclair into her mouth. French paused and reflected on the cost of her stringent regime. Referring to her ex-husband, ethnic minority funnyman Lenny Henry, she said "Lenny would beg me to relax and not stress myself eating. He said it didn't matter if I lost weight, that he would still love me, even if I lost ten stone.

And her commitment to her strict regime is paying dividends.

"I have just been offered several new roles, including Kat and Mike, where I will play a frumpy dumpy housewife, Dr Edwards - where I will play a frumpy dumpy GP, Fletcher's Follies - where I will play DI Polly Fletcher, a frumpy dumpy North London cop and of course a Christmas panto, at Worthing, where I will play Mrs Humpty Dumpty a frumpy dumpy woman married to an accident prone egg."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Topics: dawn french

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
89 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more