Written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 7 September 2012

image for Clint Eastwood To Guest Star On The Vampire Diaries
One of the handguns that Eastwood used in the 1973 Dirty Harry Sequel, "The Punks of Petaluma."

HOLLYWOOD - Manolo Middlezuck, producer of The Vampire Diaries, has just announced that he has signed legendary movie and television icon Clint Eastwood to appear in an upcoming episode of his hit television cable show.

Middlezuck says that when he saw Eastwood make his speech to an empty chair at the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Florida, he knew right away that he would be perfect for the role of Zytan Duffenhaus, a retired chemist who comes to Mystic Falls in search of his long lost ex-wife Foolinisha Duffenhaus.

Zytan found out that right before Foolinisha filed for divorce from him she had purchased a lottery ticket that had the winning numbers in a $27 million lottery award.

The couple lived in a 27-year-old trailer and got by on his $1,700 a month pension and $7,000 that her Uncle Peter "Piper" Buckinkowski had left her in a trust fund.

Middlezuck says that Zytan finds out from the Internet site www.illfindyou.yes that Foolie, as he called his ex-wife, is working at The Whale of A Buffet Seafood Restaurant in Mystic Falls.

He writes Damon Salvatore played by Ian Somerhalder, whom he had met two years before at a Baltimore Orioles - Texas Rangers game and describes his ex-wife and asks him if he has seen her.

Without giving away too much of the shows plot, Zytan travels to Mystic Falls where he confronts his former wife at work, in front of Elena Gilbert played by Nina Dobrev.

Foolinisha becomes extremely angry and tries to hit Zytan with a lobster but he ducks and it misses Elena by less than a foot.

Elena goes up to her and slaps her. Foolie then picks up a bowl of hush puppies and tries to shove them down Elena's Banana Republic blouse.

The police arrive and arrest Foolinisha. After Zytan informs them of the $27 million lottery ticket they advise him to hire California attorney Gloria Allred so that he can get his rightful $13.5 million.

In Political News. Paul Ryan stated to GOPicky Magazine that he cannot believe that a fellow Republican Ann "Trigger Face" Coulter referred to him as "Lyin' Ryan" three times on a recent appearance on Live With Kelly & Michael.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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