Cast of The Only Way is Essex to be assassinated?

Written by IainB

Tuesday, 3 July 2012


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Three of the assassins wait in Basildon market, undercover

Police have uncovered a massive assassination ring in Essex that purports to have just one aim: The extermination of the entire cast of The Only Way is Essex.

"We caught their ringleader in Basildon," said DI Basil Dunn, head of the Basildon anti-terror unit. "They call themselves the Ass and Asinine Assassins."

According to Dunn, the group have freely admitted that it is their intention to assassinate the cast of the popular semi-reality show, The Only Way is Essex.

"Basically," said Dunn. "They told us that they are fed up of the rest of the country having their stereotype of Essex reinforced by bad acting, over acting and pillocks. Which we thought was fair enough, and let them go."

The Ass and Asinine Assassins have now been contacted by ITV4 bosses, who want to set up a semi-reality TV show that follows the members of the Ass and Asinine Assassins as they attempt to assassinate the TOWIE cast.

"It sounds like eye opening and riveting television," said DI Dunn. "As in the only way you'd get me to watch it, is if you riveted me to the sofa and cut my eye lids off."

Despite it's detractors, all the members of Ass and Asinine Assassins have signed up to a four series deal.

"We think it will be a natural way to end The Only Way is Essex," said ITV4 light entertainment boss, Rayleigh Harlow. "With the added benefits of no severance package for the TOWIE cast, and the knowledge that they're not going to be popping up on comedy quiz panel shows for the next fifty years."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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