TEMPE, AZ (ABSNN) -"There is yet hope for rap music," said an enthusiastic Governor Jan Brewer who introduced 11-year-old Johann Sebastian beBop, a Caucasian rap singer. Master beBop sang or chanted before a throng of 20,000 last night in Tempe Stadium.
The crowd was significant for the lack of any faces of color, but the crowd was enchanted.
In point of fact, nearly 12,000 African Americans and Hispanic concert goers were unable to purchase tickets (at any price) for the venue that can seat 50,000 for football games.
But Brewer insisted, "We did not exclude them from purchasing the tickets. We just didn't print enough of them. That's all it was, a printing error!"
For those attendees lucky enough to purchase tickets, the debut of Johann Sebastian beBop was, in their words, "A tour de farce, err force!"
"This kid is better than that white prick from Detroit," said nine-year-old Fanny Brice a concert goer. "I bought six of his posters and they were all autographed by Master beBop! I shit my jeans!"
Her sentiments were repeated over and over by other tweens in the audience.
Governor Brewer subsidized the child performer's debut from The Fund for Caucasian Improvement over Illegal Aliens according to a spokeswoman from her office.
"This fund is not, as some whiny liberal persons of color will undoubted claim, a racist agenda. Our state has made these funds available to any person of Caucasian birth in order to showcase Arizona's commitment to empowerment of its own peculiar minority," she said.
This reporter is not a music critic. The lyrics were screamed in a loud and, to me, obnoxious ultra-tenor only available to nasty male children on the verge of puberty. I was only able to capture a few of the words from his opening number, "I'm white, I'm proud, and I scream all out loud!" He certainly did that.
As I noted, I am not a music critic. My full-time beat is the Religious News but Marl Lowton, owner of thespoof.com could not find anybody else to attend this "event." So, to fulfill my contractual agreements with Lowton, I came, I saw, I vomited. Here are a few lines I did get:
"Yes, I'm white,
And I'm here to stay.
If you don't like Caucasians
Stay the hell away!
I'm a native son
Of Arizona's plains (plains in Arizona???)
It is time white folks
Made a big-assed gain.
All the rest of Johann Sebastian beBop's "music" was lost to me as I apparently ate a poisoned hot dog and had projectile vomitus for the remainder of his debut. For whatever reason Nachos were not available.