Written by John Butler

Friday, 17 March 2006

image for Saddam Hussein Voted Sexiest Dictator Ever
Saddam Hussein in a photoshoot to mark him being voted sexiest dictator of all time

He may be facing certain execution but fallen Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein has now at least something to celebrate. Readers of Cosmopolitan magazine, the majority women with some gay men, have voted the deposed despot the sexiest dictator of all time.

Beating the likes of fabulous fascist, Benito Mussolini and the callous Cambodian charmer, Pol Pot, Cosmopolitan editor, Clara Gunthroyd says it was probably Hussein's "overall package of looks and brutality" that got him the vote.

"A lot of women point to the sexy, virile moustache, the brooding, what-am-I-going-to-do-next Arabian gaze", Gunthroyd revealed, "but really it's a variety of things - his appalling record on human rights - Saddam's a real bad boy... not to mention he's a terrific dresser ".

She added, "I mean the suit Saddam has been wearing at his trial is a total knock out. So many dictators, particularly African ones I find, wear these gaudy looking white ones - I mean c'mon fellas white suits are about as stylish as white socks, and the jewellery these Africans wear... God (sticks fingers down throat) I don't see too many women hanging out of Mr. T- can't our African friends take the hint?!"

Indeed, African dictators' allegedly poor sense of style is reflected in the poll. Zimbabwe's Robert Mugabe came in at a lowly 24th with Idi Amin languising even further down in 37th. Even General Noriega of Panama, whose face was disfigured by severe acne scars, finished higher. He wound up 16th.

The Africans' poor showing would suggest that it's not just inhumane, senseless barbarism that women look for in their dictators.

"Female and gay Neo-Nazis the world over will be disappointed to see that the darling of the Third Reich, Adolf Hitler trailed in at a solid if unspectacular 13th".

Gunthroyd agrees, explaining, "Of course women aren't only looking for dictators with an appalling record of genocidal activity although obviously that's a bonus".

She added, "I mean Saddam's kill-count comes no where near to say, Mao Ze-Dong - only a paltry 600,000 they estimate - but Saddam has so many other qualities to cherish - spontaneity for one - I mean when he invaded Kuwait, who expected that! Women love sudden outrageous gestures like that - really gets our motors running".

Female and gay Neo-Nazis the world over will be disappointed to see that the darling of the Third Reich, Adolf Hitler trailed in at a solid if unspectacular 13th.

Gunthroyd said, "To be honest there aren't too many women out there who'd admit to being Nazi sympathisers. I'd say only about 15%". There's still a stigma attached - you know that whole robotic, teutonic speech - not the best voice in which to deliver love poetry on your anniversary, shall we say".

Pointing out some of Hitler's plus points, Gunthroyd went on, "I have to say though that if there's a been a sexier, more efficient exhibition of pure, incalculable evil than the holocaust, then I have yet to see it. So clinical... so sexy. I mean people talk about Mao killing upwards of 49,000,000 but his killings were so messy, so spread out. Half the time you're not even sure if Mao was even responsible".

"You see we women like our genocides swift and controlled, gives us more quality time to spend with the dictator when they come home at night... if you know what I mean (wry winking)"

"Stalin was a renowed womanizer, his bushy moustache wooing a succession of icy Russian beauties".

Cambodian Sex God, Pol Pot not surprisingly finished second (his seventh year running in the top three) and Pot fans will be disappointed not to have the deceased pin-up claim the top spot.

Of Pot, Gunthroyd said, "Pol Pot had that sort of sexy, enigmatic thing going on - the tall dark stranger type if you like" (Pol Pot was 6ft 5in). It's a fact that all women love Asian dictators, let's just say it's a thing with us. But Pol Pot though - what can I say but what a hottie!!! God if the heinous savagery of the Khmer Rouge doesn't get your juices flowing then you should check your pulse for signs of life".

Special mention too should go to the riveting Russian romancer, Josef Stalin, whose gulags were voted, in a separate poll, sexiest type of labour camp.

Stalin was a renowed womanizer, his bushy moustache wooing a succession of icy Russian beauties. He even reportedly had his way with the famously beautiful Olga Fuschenko, the Russian gymnastics champ of 1934 and devoted Communist spy.

Gunthroyd revealed, "Most women fantasise at some point during the day, of combing and manicuring Stalin's moustache. It is without doubt the sexiest moustache of all the dictators. Of non-dictators, I would say only Tom Selleck's, in its prime, or maybe Hulk Hogan's, was sexier.

But that moustache, despite its sexiness, was not enough to deprive Saddam of this most esteemed honour.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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