The 63rd Annual Primetime Emmy Award Show AKA The Modern Family Sit-Com Tribute Gala Celebration

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Monday, 19 September 2011

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The trash can that Modern Family's Phil and Claire keep in their kitchen. (Photo courtesy of Nathan Lane).

HOLLYWOOD - Jane Lynch, the star of Glee, won the unofficial award for being the tallest celebrity to ever host The Primetime Emmy Award Show.

Lynch who is listed in The American Amalgamated Almanac of Heights stands six-foot-six-inches tall in stocking feet and six-foot-six-and-a-half inches tall in bare feet.

The short-haired blonde looks like she could be Ellen DeGeneres's younger, taller, bitchier sister.

Lynch, who like Ellen is also married to a woman, says that she does not like to brag about the fact that not once in her marriage has she ever had to yell at her husband/wife about leaving the toilet seat up.

According to Tittle Tattle Tonight's Pico de Gallo, Ellen's 'wife' Portia did have to get after the talk show maven about leaving the toilet seat up, but that was just once and it was before the two were even married.

The night's biggest winner was the ABC situation-comedy Modern Family which won five Emmies and turned the evening into The Modern Family Sit-Com Tribute Gala Celebration.

The hit comedy show's five awards included Best Comedy, Best Writing, Best Directing, Best Supporting Actress in a Comedy (Julie Bowen as Claire Dunphy), and Best Supporting Actor in a Comedy (Ty Burrell as Phil Dunphy).

The show is about a family of three inner families with family members that marriage and family therapist's refer to as being friggin "Gold Mines."

The show revolves around a male gay couple (Cameron and Mitchell) who have an adopted Vietnamese daughter named Lily who is what child psychiatrists refer to as a 'biter.'

During the show's first season Little Rilly, as her grandfather affectionately calls her, bit a fellow day care student, her teacher's purse, an electric meter reader's pliers pouch, Phil and Claire's SUV's rear bumper, and her grandfather's right ankle which required seven stitches.

Mitchell's father Jay, who is an old geezer, is married to the much younger and extremely sensuously erotic Gloria.

The stunningly bosomy Gloria first came to the United States from Colombia to escape the non-stop groping that she was receiving from the males of Colombia including next door neighbor Pablo De Las Vegas who is now in prison serving 87 years for his part in the 2008 Counterfeit Colombian Coffee Bean Scandal.

Gloria has a son Manny from a previous marriage. His father resides in Colombia where he owns a chain of burro breeding ranches.

Jay's daughter (Claire) and her husband (Phil) have three children who fit the brat bill to a tee. Older daughter Haley is obsessed with boys, lipstick, Glee, and her cell phone, which can pretty much do everything but cook hot dogs.

Luke is a quiet sort of loner whose grandfather is afraid may one day decide to build a small atomic bed and hide it underneath his bed next to his baseball card collection.

And youngest daughter Alex reportedly has an IQ of 197 and can recite the words to every Beatles song that John Lennon and Paul McCartney wrote.

Alex can also make a modern, wearable dress out of nothing more than some old discarded T-shirts, Krazy Glue, a ball peen hammer, some Rice-A-Roni, and an industrial staple gun.

In a related story. The Modern Family producers had recently toyed with the idea of hiring Charlie Sheen to portray Cameron and Mitchell's gardener Nicky Neptune, but decided against the idea when they figured that he could end up scaring the heck out of little Lily.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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