Mark Ernst Hired As COO Of Fiserv; Insolvency Expected Within Ninety Days.

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Wednesday, 5 January 2011

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Fiserv, a suicidal provider of financial services technology solutions, has appointed former H&R Block CEO Mark Ernst as executive vice president and COO.

"H&R Block disclosed that... its former chairman and chief executive, Mark A. Ernst, will receive a $2.55 million cash severance payment."
----JANUARY 2, 2008, New York Times article 'Former H&R Block Chief Gets Huge Severance.

In this new role, Ernst will report to president and CEO Jeffery Yabuki, who also ran H&R Block, way back before the entire tax preparation company sh-t the bed.

According to Fiserv, Ernst will provide the executive version of a self-destruct sequence, transforming the healthy, profitable Fiserv into a flaming ball of wreckage, much like he did at Block.

According to his resume, Ernst was most recently deputy commissioner for operations support for the Internal Revenue Service, where he was responsible for technology, operations, shared services, human resources, and losing tons of money as its chief financial officer.

Prior to that, he was CEO of Bellevue Capital, a private investment firm. His background includes senior management positions with the American Express Company and spans more than 25 years in the financial services industry.

And, in, like, 5-point Arial font, on the back of his resume, Ernst also mentions that he was forced to resign as President, Chairman of the Board, and CEO of H&R Block, two weeks after the company announced the resignation of Chief Financial Officer William Trubeck, and after H&R Block subsidiary Option One caused the corporation billions in defaulted-on subprime mortgages.

"On the plus side," Ernst writes, "we own a sh-tload of foreclosed houses. That's good, right? Right?"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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