God Smotes News Corp. For "Judas Iscariot-Level" Tactics.

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Monday, 18 October 2010

image for God Smotes News Corp. For "Judas Iscariot-Level" Tactics.

While the Alpha and Omega usually steers clear of involving Himself in corporate negotiations (as evidenced by Time-Warner's purchase of AOL in 2000), but News Corp's latest shenanigans with Cablevision customers has pushed Him into action.

I Love Snatch.

Guy Ritchie can jam Swept Away, Revolver, RocknRolla and Sherlock Holmes up his ass, for all I care, but Lock, Stock... and Snatch were brilliant.

"Thou Shalt Pay Dearly, Murdoch," said God, who, for the sake of continuity, spoke to us in 17th century European English. "Whenst Thou Doesn'tst Alloweth New Jerseyians to Watcheth The Eagles-Falcons or Gameth 2 of the NLCS, Thy Must be Smote."

God, who is a Cablevision customer, was particularly upset that News Corp. pulled the ultimate fuckery by blocking Cablevision high-speed internet customers from streaming video from sites like Fox's and Hulu.

"Thou planneth to catch upeth on 'House, M.D.' via Hulu this weekend, only to findeth that Hulu was blockedeth," said the Divine One. "When the Lord Thy God has to useth a Canadian proxy site to watch American Idol online, Smoting will occur.

"We notice that you are attempting to access Fox content on Hulu. Unfortunately this content is currently unavailable to Cablevision customers," read a pop-up on Hulu, as if the choice to block it wasn't theirs. "We look forward to bringing Fox content to Cablevision customers again soon.

"Oh, you bastards," said God. "I f--king hate Rupert Murdoch."

Fox's parent News Corp didn't explain its reason for expanding the block to include Internet video as well as cable channels, but the move was rare in the industry. The media giant has threatened to pull Internet video in the past as a bargaining tactic in getting better payments from carriers, but until now it had never followed through on the promise.

And God has taken offense.

"Do you know what 'nemesis' means?" asked God of News Corp. A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by... Me."

"Ow," said Murdoch, after his ass burst into flame.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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