H&R Block Bank, with over 1 branch worldwide, is offering ridiculously low rates on money market accounts and CDs, in a new bid to fill their coffers with ill-gotten gains in those months when thousands of H&R Block offices are used as dust-collectors.
"Our money market account is currently the most competitive with a 1.50% APY for balances of at least $50K," said the president of H&R Block bank, while browsing the 'now hiring' section of Linkedin. "Of course, if a client has $50,000 lying around, it's a safe bet that they'd wouldn't walk in to an H&R Block office to use the phone to report a carjacking.
"Of course, for our clients, an account with only, say, $950.00 in it would earn a ridiculously low %0.60 annual percentage yield, and they'd have to pay a $10.00 a month monthly 'you're a deadbeat' fee."
"Did they mention that they pay interest quarterly?" said one of the 353 clients H&R Block has left. "If you close the account before the interest posts, you lose any accrued interest.
"We should also disclose that we don't give our victims... er, clients, ACH transfer abilities," continued the H&R Block Bank president. "You have to "push" money from other banks, or drop it off at our 1 convenient location in Kansas City."
"Look, there are better places for your money than H&R Block Bank," concluded the president. "But if we didn't exploit our clients, they wouldn't know it was from us. You got People; Picking Your Pockets 24/7/365."