H&R Block CEO Plans To Rearrange Deck Chairs on the Titanic by Decentralizing Field Leadership

Funny story written by anthonyrosania

Sunday, 12 September 2010


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for H&R Block CEO Plans To Rearrange Deck Chairs on the Titanic by Decentralizing Field Leadership

Having absolutely nothing to do except watch his company's stock value take a sh-t on shareholders, H&R Block CEO Alan Bennett decides to move responsibility to local tax offices, shifting the responsibility (read: blame) for tanking the once-proud company away from the corporate office, where screwing up the company has been efficiently handled in years past.

"It is time to shift some responsibility down the food chain," said the press release written for Bennett to read aloud. "Block has become too centralized, with marketing, office management and human resources personnel having too big an influence on how individual retail tax offices operate."

Did You Know??

That the recent decentralization project by CEO Bennett addresses everything except:

Market Share;
Increasing Sales;
Increasing Client Retention;
Increasing Tax Pro Loyalty;
Overcoming issue with Turbo Tax;
Decreasing early-season penetration by national competitors;
Share price.

Not that any of that is important.

"The example I use is our district managers and office managers drinking through a fire hose," he said. "They have lots of points of light and lots of people telling them what to do from functional areas. ... When you're done, you have all of these messages out there when really having success or failure during the tax season is about doing three or four or five things perfectly every time."

"What the f--k is he talking about?" said every District Manager that ever worked for the company. "Drinking through a fire... what?!?"

Bennett was brought in to replace former CEO Russ Smyth after Smyth made many, many changes to the company, which included... uh... well... he changed the name of the home office to the field support office, which, strangely, didn't serve a f--king purpose.

Bennett wants to move to a "profit-and-loss" mentality, allowing the local leaders to have more control over their sales strategies and not operate mainly based on what they're told to do.

"This is absolute f--king bullsh-t!!!" said a Regional Director who wishes to remain Kevin. "Disrict Managers can not be empowered to run their business as they see fit? If they become successful, then we'll be responsible for our performance! NOOOO!!"*

*Ps, if this was really from some guy named Kevin, the words "absolute", "responsible" and "is" would've been misspelled, and "empowered" would not have been used.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more