Japanese Cars Beat Germany for Best Overall Acceleration

Written by P.M. Wortham

Tuesday, 11 May 2010

image for Japanese Cars Beat Germany for Best Overall Acceleration
Happy Japanese Car Engineers Win Competition, Almost.

Clearly winning an independent performance comparison sponsored by Automotive Quarterly Magazine, Japanese engineered cars outperformed their German counterparts in all but the super-premium automotive classes.

The study by AQM, took cars from the same passenger classes and engine categories and randomly paired Japanese and German manufactured cars for side by side acceleration tests. In every random pairing tested, Japanese cars from the Economy, Mid Size and Full Size categories blew the doors off their German counterparts. "It was not a surprise to us", says Toyoda marketing VP, Lyktu Takanuki. "Our cars really know how to accelerate, almost as if the pedal is glued to the floorboards".

German engineering representatives protested based on the limited nature of the testing scenarios. "There was no turning, or hill climbing, or crash testing or stopping of these cars", said Hans Munchdoff of Folkswagon. "It was not a fair test of engineering ability".

Some critics may agree. Though the structure of the testing was specific to acceleration, other results of the test were not included in the performance report. "Like, the number of Japanese cars that crashed into the wall like pretty little accordions", Munchdoff said with his best Swarzenegger, almost California-American accent. "How about a test that assures the car remains under the control of the driver, yah? Better yet, bring out their best Lexis sport coupe and we'll toss in a Porsche Targa for a head to head ass kicking".

Overhearing the German criticism, Takanuki yelled, "Fascist". To which Munchdoff replied by holding up his middle finger while declaring, "You are right. You are number one."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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