Customs and Trading Standards Swoop in Consumer Protection Coup

Funny story written by Ulver

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

image for Customs and Trading Standards Swoop in Consumer Protection Coup

It was just another quiet late duty for border protection officers at Felixstowe Docks on Saturday the 8th August 2009; a routine search of a forty foot container from China changed all that.

Tom Vagneska, Senior Officer in the Container Rummage team selected the container for a routine search, only to find that upon opening the doors he was to be faced with the most heinous consumer safety danger he had ever encountered.

Inside the container he found 20,000 cartons of Chinese manufactured toys, depicting the young childrens' favourite Sesame Street character Elmo.

Vagneska found that if batteries were inserted into the toys they would jiggle their groins, dance and speak. His famous Customs' instincts were sparked however by the legend on the box.

"Fondle Me Elmo" by Chinese toy firm BroJo appeared to be an innocent toy destined for the Christmas Market, flick the groinal switch however and he turned into a writhing, expletive spouting "filth engine" who could simulate ejaculation using the system pioneered by the 1970s spray cream manufacturer Dairylea; the traumatised Vagneska an Ipswich based father of 12 is now on compassionate leave.

Vagneska's superiors immediately called in the Suffolk Trading Standards Consumer Response Action Planners, who swooped in and seized the container and its repulsive contents.

Dick Power, head of the CRAP team told the East Anglian Daily Times today, "Expletive spouting ejaculating Chinese Toys are an increasing problem in today's climate; even my own kids love Elmo, the last thing you want on Christmas morning is a giggling red ball of fluff urging you to touch him on the B***s while he sprays 1970s style processed cream into the air".

Power, 39 and a father of seven, advised us today that CRAP were following up the importation lines and looking into distribution of the perverted dolls within the UK.

It is believed that at least 10000 swearing and ejaculating Fondle Me Elmos may be out in the market. If consumers spot them they are urged to contact CRAP investigating Officer Dick Power of Suffolk Trading Standards as soon as possible.

In the meantime we understand that Customs staff in Newry, Northern Ireland seized a suitcase full of counterfeit dolls from a couple at the border crossing with Southern Ireland. The dolls, again manufactured in China are thought to be counterfeits of the world-reknowned Tiny Tears and depict a British Labour MP; the Tiny Blears dolls have a realistic expenses claim sheet, the blueprints for a second home in their constituency and will belch and fill their nappies after a simulated meal of foie gras and dolphin steaks.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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