A spokesman for them, Sir Heinrich Mason-Handshacht, said: 'Many of our clients are very well-known, but that does not mean that the rumours they were blatantly guilty but then got off their cases scot free had anything to do with mass bribery by us or us calling in any Freemason connections. Oh no, as if.'
Their famous clients in recent years have included squeaky singer Michael Dickson, footballer Steven Blousegirl, and alleged singer and emaciated horse impersonator Amy Whinemouse. Plus former British Prime Minister Tony Blear, former US President George W. Shrub, and former King of Scotland and Ugandan dictator Idi Yemen.
A spokeswoman for rival London firm Honest, Broke & Starving pointed out that 'A, B & C paid millions to judges and jurors alike in the USA, to get Dickson off some of the worst cases of child abuse in history. Everyone knew he was guilty, he more or less admitted it himself in interviews! Unless you don't call spending nights in bed with little boys child abuse.'
'Blousegirl was seen on CCTV clearly attacking someone without any provocation, because the footballer (a) couldn't handle alcohol, (b) has a monstrous ego, and (c) is a big cissy who couldn't fight his way out of a paper bag if, ironically, he wasn't in Liverpool, and there was no CCTV around to make other people reluctant to fight back against someone they know would get off with it in court.'
'As for Amy, it's as regular as Barack Obama flying round the world that she assaults people, she's admitted it many times also, most famously that she regularly beat up her former husband. So ABC take such obviously guilty parties, pay off the judges and hire the media, and on those celebrities go - or went - with child abuse, assaults and affray. Pathetic.'
When asked about Messers Blear, Shrub and Yemen, the spokeswoman laughed. 'Blair has been proved as a liar many times, leading a nation into a needless colonial war on the basis of lie after lie. And Shrub did exactly the same thing.'
'But have either of them appeared before any courts, charged with being responsible for the mass murder of hundreds of thousands of innocent Iraqi citizens? ABC greased the usual palms, and now those two war criminals are to this day wandering round happily, and acting as if they aren't, well, war criminals.'
'As for Idi Yemen, it was practically miraculous how he got away with tyranny and mass murder for years without anyone noticing it. Except many people DID notice it, so A, B & C did their usual, and not a word appeared in the press about his evil behaviour until the end, when he stopped paying them their fees.'
Next week, A, B & C will be taking on a number of new high-profile cases, many not from the English-speaking world, with predictable results.
Famous chicken farmer and alleged organiser of the murder of millions of people across Europe, Heinrich Hissler, will be found not guilty thanks to the lawyers, and the not guilty verdict will appear on BBC News all day. Cambodian all-round nice guy Pol Pot will, of course, only pay court costs after appearing charged with 'genocide on an awesome scale'.
And the charges of 'mass murdering millions from Mongolia to Hungary, on a spree of evil bloodlust that made Hissler's look like a Sunday school picnic' will be dropped against Genghis Khan, in what ABC will call 'a correct verdict of not guilty and circumstantial evidence'.
The fact that millions of witnesses to his butchery, torture and rape are now dead and won't be able to appear as witnesses will help Khan's verdict. As will his brother being a member of the Ulan Bator Freemason Lodge No. 1.
Aardvark, Bishbosh & Crimcon, with them on your side you just know you can get off with anything. Including having your daughter-in-law bumped off in a tunnel in foreign climes. It's not what you know or who you know - it's what judges you bribe, and which television news reporters are in your pocket.