Podunk USA: The Bank of Upper Podunk (BUP) has issued a letter to its millions of customers, investors and shareholders around the world. BUP wants its clients to have confidence and be assured that there are "no problems" with their corporate banking transactions.
The prevailing instability of US economic conditions has prompted BUP corporate management to provide transparency into BUP's global operations and financial status, as follows:
1. BUP has $2.5 Trillion in assets. Some of these holdings are liquid assets, commercial paper, gold, mortgages, cash, real estate, capital leveraged buyouts, derivatives, casinos, breweries and dog tracks. There has been no involvement by BUP with Fannie May, Freddie Mac or Madoff Investments LLC.
As such BUP has no toxic assets or bad mortgages to contend with. BUP is a member of FDIC, in bed with the SEC, an equal opportunity employer and politically connected to both US political parties. (The BUP is not associated with the Bank of Lower Podunk (BLP) in any financial endeavors or transactions.)
2. BUP sees the prevailing global challenges as offering opportunities to navigate through the depth of issues caused by the current economic downturn, to focus the breath of our resources on achieving profits and revenues to increase customer wealth.
3. BUP has not taken any financial bailout money from the government, not a dime! We still utilize our original humble beginnings headquarters building (Circa 1901) located in downtown Podunk at the corner of Main Street and Penny Lane. (BUP stores its office supplies and sends our failed money managers here to retire.)
All our computers, palatial office buildings and condominiums are located in New York, San Francisco, Berlin and Tokyo etc. Corporate executive's that are committed to improving BUP's earnings stream are rewarded with outrageous salaries and bonuses, limousines, golden parachutes, lavish off-site parties and have private jets at their disposal. BUP has reduced some costs by eliminating the free coffee and donuts provided to lower level employees.
4. BUP has acquired Kudzu Investment Services (KIS) LLC and a merger is planned near the end of the US economic downturn in mid 2009. BUP's acquisition of KIS brings added wealth management expertise into our investment family, necessary to provide advice to large fee paying customers about stocks, junk bonds, mutual funds, hedge funds, asset allocation and portfolio diversification strategies.
Unfortunately, an employee downsizing will occur soon after the merger to keep BUP competitive with the rest of the banking industry. The new corporation will be called BUPKIS (zilch) LLC. A suitable corporate Logo has not been chosen.