Necktie bandits wanted for wave of assaults

Written by Skews Me

Friday, 19 December 2008

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Police reports regarding so-called "necktie bandits" have been flooding emergency phone centers as the rise of assaults on businessmen have been increasing around cities' financial districts.

Assailants are grabbing the neckties of passersby and forcing their victims to the ground before "skipping off in fancy" as one Fortune 500 business leader described his personal assault.

"She called me a capitalist pig and a tool," said the victim who wishes to remain anonymous.

Attacks appear random and dependent upon the appearance of the victims according to authorities in New York City.

Reminiscent of activists dousing people wearing fur with paint to protest the slaughter of innocent animals, this new wave of protesters is crossing the line according to authorities.

"We will not stand for these unwarranted attacks on upstanding members of our community," stated New York police detective Wendel Cutter.

Several online blogs have been flooded with commentary regarding this rising phenomenon both in support for the acts as well as warning against doing any actual physical harm to the "suits," as Northwest Activist Ashley White related.

"They say it's a sign of professionalism to wear a suit and tie," White told the The Spoof, "but it's all about conformism and following orders" she stressed.

"If someone wearing a noose around their neck, cutting off the blood supply to their brain on a daily basis, insists on controlling our money while the world economy tanks, then they deserve what they get," she stated.

So far little more than bruised knees, sore necks, and numerous damaged thousand-dollar suits have been reported, but police are worried the trend may escalate.

"The next thing you know, they'll be walking up to everyone wearing ties and just cutting them off as they will do in parts of Europe," said Cutter.

Copyright © 2008, Skews Me

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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