UK Banks In The Shit

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

image for UK Banks In The Shit
Crowds outside NOTEAST in Catford

The UK government has today announced a £50billion investment plan to inject cash into UK financial institutions, offered a further £250billion in loan guarantees, and increased another lending scheme to £200billion.

Despite all of this, UK banks are in the shit.

So says expert financial analyst Robert Pist, who also advised investors to:

"Withdraw your savings immediately, if not sooner!"

The news of the banks' demise will come as no surprise to anyone who has been in one recently. Queues tell a story, and a long queue usually means trouble, particularly if most of the people in the queue are making a withdrawal, and these days, most of them are.

'Ginger' Sampson, analyst at Notional Eastminster (NOTEAST) Bank in London, said:

"Queues are very important in banking. A long queue of people with happy, smiling faces is a good sign, and a time to invest. A long queue of agitated queueists, however, who are grumbling amongst themselves, armed with withdrawal slips, is obviously a time to start thinking about moving your money elsewhere, such as into a mattress."

Prime Minister Gordon Brown moved swiftly to assure worried investors that their life savings were a priority for the government. He said:

"Get your money out, QUICK!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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