CHICAGO – (Satire News) – A corporate executive with the huge home improvement retailer has just revealed that it will no longer sell grass fertilizer.
Miles F. Furshetta, 63, who is the company’s director of Customer Relations and Possible Lawsuits Department stated that there are several reasons for their decision.
Furshetta, who is an avowed atheist, stated that traces of mercury were found in their product Giggling Grass A-Growing.
He also revealed that small amounts of hamster shit were found in the newly-developed Green Green Verde Green Grass Fertilizer.
The company is insisting that mercury and hamster shit are not really all that harmful to adults, children, or pets, but they did stress that in the interest of safety, and to avoid any possible multi-million dollar lawsuits, they will be taking all of the contaminated grass fertilizer off the store shelves and dumping it into Lake Michigan.
SIDENOTE: After receiving thousands of complaints from people who live near Lake Michigan, the company has decided instead to load the contaminated fertilizer on railroad gondolas and transport it up north to a huge grass fertilizer landfill located just south of Ottawa, Canada.