"Straight" Banana's On The Run; Do Not Fit Into Dairy Queen's New Gay Culture

Funny story written by King David

Saturday, 6 January 2007

image for "Straight" Banana's On The Run; Do Not Fit Into Dairy Queen's New Gay Culture
Another "Straight" Banana On The Run

Another fugitive banana was found today hiding out in the men's bathroom of a convenience store off the interstate. Apparently, straight bananas being asked to perform front door and active-passive banana splits for customers at the new Dairy Queen have been "splitting" in numbers.

The restaurant which has recently come out of the closet with a new "gay" menu feels that the open door policy will attract a larger customer base rather than its traditional, McCarthy Era, small town fare.

Founder of the newly refurbished Dairy Queen, Gaylord Simmons, said about the problem, "We know that our menu isn't for all bananas. There are still bananas out there who are not like we are and we respect that. We just want the public to know that those bananas are not being asked to do anything that they are not comfortable with. But we need to work on getting this message out all the way down the chain of command. We still have managers in small towns who are managing under the old, autocratic, rednecked style. But we'll get there soon."

Dairy Queen, which opened its first store over 60 years ago in Joliet, Illinois, was originally owned by two gay entrepreneurs. Over the years, the franchise has steadily built itself up expanding to be one of the largest food franchises in the world with over 5,900 stores in the US, Canada and 20 foreign countries.

Here is a sample of the store's new menu that bananas are running from:

    Willie dilly bars
    Barbie buster bars
    Back door brownie Earthquakes
    Front door banana splits
    Active-passive splits
    Girlfriend GooLattes
    Pierced tongue swizzlers
    Queer sundaes
    Bitch and Diesel-Butch Blizzards
    Soft and hard dipped
    I scream cones

They also feature:

    Flame broiled hamburgers (meat between two buns)
    Monterey Jackme Cheeseburgers (meat between two buns covered with goo)
    French Fries (w/o embellishment)
    Fried beef and pork ring sphincters
    Freedom rings (not for consumption)
    Strap-on and swishy sandwiches
    Slobbin' the Milosevich
    and jerkin' gherkin hotdogs
    tickle pickles
    Earrings, body tattoos and leather

It is also rumored that the Monsanto Corporation was working on a new strain of "bent," gay bananas especially for the restaurant chain, but said that the technology was not yet ready.

"We just need a little more time for testing," a spokesman for the company said.

Reporters say that there were no bananas around to comment, they had all split.

In other news today, North Carolina wine makers are alarmed at the amount of rain this season. Say it will affect the summer grape harvest and water down the wine.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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