Wireless Carriers Want to Add "Mauled By Rabid Raccoon" to Terms of Breaking Contract

Written by Catchthisdrift

Monday, 30 June 2014

image for Wireless Carriers Want to Add "Mauled By Rabid Raccoon" to Terms of Breaking Contract
Wireless phone from 1998

Washington D.C. - A conglomeration of the country's six largest wireless carriers are lobbying the Federal Communications Commission (FCC) to allow them to add "Mauled by rabid raccoon" to the consequences to a consumer of breaking the contract they entered into with the carrier.

The average contract period for a consumer of average to above-average credit, who wants a post-paid plan and a free smart phone, is two years. If the consumer wants to break their contract before that two-year period, then the carrier can impose upon that consumer certain liabilities, such as a "contract termination fee." Such fees vary by carrier, but can be as much as $350.

The conglomeration of carriers filed, via their attorneys, a brief which requests the right to add "Mauled by rabid raccoon" to the terms of breaking a contract.

The initial response of wireless industry analysts included questions of where a carrier would get a rabid raccoon and where such an animal would be kept until needed to maul the consumer. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) released a statement on behalf of raccoons that read, in part, "Raccoons are people, too, and deserve to be treated with respect. Forcing a raccoon with a pre-existing condition to gnaw on, consume, and otherwise adversely affect a wireless customer is disrespectful."

A statement released by the wireless carriers said "What do you people want from us? We give you an $800 phone for free, throw in as many calls and texts as you want, hell, even some free data, and you aren't even willing to stay in a contract for two years? If you don't want a two year contract, fine. But you can expect a flip-phone circa 2002 we picked up from Goodwill."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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