Farquar unravels plot at Walmart

Written by Spicewood

Friday, 17 May 2013

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Mystery solved

Harvey L. Farquar of Glenn Hills, Minnesota uncovered what may have been one of the more diabolical retailing plots known to mankind.

Farquar realized that on every shopping occasion at Walmart, that he experienced some nasal discomfort, and he had an unusually large amount of nasal drainage. He occasionally would question a cashier or one of the crack Walmart employees that were always busy attending to their duties in the store, but all he got was "Dah" and "Wha" as an answer.

At his urging, the MAQCC (Minnesota Air Quality Control Center) sent Myron Saltzburg to Glenn Hills to meet with Farquar, and then to accompany him on a visit to his local Walmart. This was scheduled for last Wednesday.

Saltzburg then accompanied Farquar and his concealed air testing equipment on his trip to the store.

Harvey completed a normal shopping routine, and as usual, got in a line with five other customers. After a twenty minute wait in line, blowing his nose often, with Saltzburg constantly testing the air quality in between blowing his nose, he paid the cashier and they left the store.

On the way to their car, Myron did some quick testing and checking and recorded his results. Via his mobile fax, he sent the results to the MAQCC laboratory to await their answer.

MAQCC got the results and confronted Harvey Keitell, an ex Walmart employee. When confronted with the facts, Keitell admitted that Walmart blends a gas, QMND5 in to their air system, that customers breath while in the store. A side effect of QMND5 inhalation, results in post nasal drip, or a "runny nose."

Further questioning of Keitell revealed the reason for using QMND5. Walmart's theory, if the customers, waiting in the long lines, are having to stay busy, blowing their noses, they will be less inclined to complain about the long lines. Their "Blow for the Dough" program.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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